Here's Hoping

Momma wants her Groove Back

2011-03-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

Little Talkers

2011-03-25T21:06:00.002-07:00

Nella

2011-02-03T14:12:00.003-08:00

Baby number 2 was due in December. On the 19^th, 21^st, 24^th or 28^th…Depending on whose calendar or which ultrasound you looked at.

I thought, as Ruby was 10 days early, surely this baby would be too. You know, around the 10^th…in order to miss the holiday rush.

Har Har. Nope.

I spent all of the holidays waiting for my gift. And so did everyone else. If could have gone into labour based on the stares, hopes and dreams of the onslaught holiday visitors, I would have been golden.

But this little one had her own plans. She always has. Just like she decided on her own to become a part of our family-She decided to chill on the inside through out the Christmas Chaos and come out on her own terms.

However, by Boxing Day, I had had enough and I decided to take action. I had been to acupuncture a couple of times and we’d tried a couple of DIY labour starters with no action. So I decided to hoof into town and back.

In the rain.

While pushing a 2 and half year old in a buggy.

Full of shopping.

That should do it!

And it did.

Oh, did I mention that most of the visitors left that Sunday.

As soon as the pot was left alone…it started to boil!

At 3 am on Monday morning I went to the washroom for my hourly pee… and I knew it was going to happen. Again, as with Ruby, there was the undeniable sploosh of waters.

Finally. We were giddy with excitement.

There were no real contractions at that time, so after letting my midwife know we decided to try and sleep. As if!

As some of you may remember Ruby was born a couple of days after my water broke- so we knew we had to try and chillax for a bit.

We called the grandparents in the morning and Ruby was collected. I felt tad guilty as I wasn’t experiencing anything major. I wanted to be prepared in case we had to boot it to the hospital.

My contractions continued to be fairly mild throughout that day (the 27^th), which was lovely, we visited, lounged, went for a walk and talked about what was about to happen. (All without a toddler!) The midwife checked in on us a couple of times and by the evening we suspected we mat need to have my labour augmented – like last time.

We decided to meet at the hospital at 8am the next morning.

At around midnight or so the labour seemed to be kicking in. I was fairly uncomfortable by 3 am, not crazy uncomfortable though, and I started to wonder if perhaps things were happening. I was getting a little tired and was a little worried about having enough energy for the next day. Ruby was born at 5pm after being augmented at 8am – a long day.

When we clocked the contractions and they were ALL OVER THE PLACE… 5 min apart to 22 minutes apart. I think we even fell asleep through some of them –Or that could have been the night before…

During this time I called the midwife, at least once –maybe twice and she had a listen to my contractions. She was on the fence- They were long and sounded legit…but that timing was bizarre.

We decided to head to the hospital. Just in case. I think we decided to meet at around 5:30 am-ish…We figured we’d get checked in, get set up on IV, monitors, pitocin, etc…

Wrong!

6am, upon arrival at the hospital I was 5cm! Wow? Really? Woot!

Shortly after our arrival things started to pick up considerably-Probably because we had to hike a mile to the night entrance of the hospital from the parking lot. As contractions got more intense, I did a lot of loud moaning, walking around and on the spot and “slow dancing” with Nicholas.

I was able to stay relatively present and chatty. This was a totally different scenario than with baby number one. Last time, I had a very strange love for standing still with my head against the wall. I needed constant pressure on my low back. I didn’t talk for hours and I only moaned quietly.

So.

My lovely midwife Jenn was still working on some paperwork when I exclaimed “The baby is coming out now!” While trying to catch whatever might be dangling from my nether regions. My body started pushing on its own and I couldn’t stop it. It seriously felt like the baby was coming out.

It hadn’t even been an hour so she was a little surprised. She got me to quickly hop up on the table for a look and sure enough…

“Things are going to start changing pretty quickly here” she announced and called for some nurses.

“She’s getting a little pushy!”

This was funny because 7am is shift change time for the nurses. I think I heard Jenn ask, “Are you a delivery nurse?” and the friendly reply, “ I can be!”

The rest is a crazy blur of hard work! The pushing was fast and furious! I was determined. And after what seemed like 2 seconds, our Star was born.

7:34am.

It felt SO GOOD TO GET HER OUT!

No induction! No monitors! No extra doctors! No drugs! No tearing!

Just my midwife and a couple of nurses.

And more importantly - just us.

Nicholas. Me. And my Belly Star.

Nella Claire.

We decided against an early discharge so that we could get back into the swing of parenting an infant without playing defence with our wee toddler. Also having someone to do the cooking and cleaning for 24 hours is divine.

Just like last time we had the entire maternity ward to ourselves that night. After all the visitors were booted out, it seriously felt like we were on some sort of a date- it was that lovely.

Leaving the comforting and familiar routine of the maternity ward the next day was bitter sweet. We were excited to get home and to be with our number one girl Ruby Lou.

However, Nella is probably our last baby and I will cherish our experience and my memories of her Birth forever.

How Awesome, Serene and Intense.

A Wonderful Miracle.

Thank you for choosing me…

my precious little girl.

My Baby.

Nella.

Nella Claire

2010-12-31T20:07:00.003-08:00

On December 28th love arrived.
More details soon-ish.

Not asleep but awake.

2010-11-20T20:35:00.006-08:00

If there is anyone still out there...I apologize.

Apart from a few friends that have been 'poking' me on Facebook, urging me to blog, I am sure that have lost touch with the hip hot mommas in blogland.

I certainly feel disconnected.

I know I have barely had time to lurk on all of my favourite blogs these days. As far as I know, most of you could have given birth to one, two, or more children since I last checked in.

So, if you do pop by...Let me know what the word on the street is.
You know, let me in on the gossip.

I don't know where to begin... Do we want specifics such as weight gain, pregnancy symptoms and belly shots? Or details on my emotional life? Family life? My glamorous career? Perhaps a sexy Crohns update? Or an just a plain sexy one? Sorry ladies -nothing to report there.

Maybe a list-ish type post that I can pretend is poetic would be most appropriate. That way I don't have to use proper grammar or punctuation.
I can just ease my way back into literacy. Slowly.

I am still pregnant.
I am joyous about meeting the new addition to our family but ever so panicked about: leaving my job (more on that later),
being a mom to two kids (one that is tiny and one that is tantrum-y),
losing more of the man formerly know as husband, now known as Dad,
losing more of my grip on reality, my sanity,
not sleeping.
not sleeping.
not sleeping.

We've got names we like, names we joke about, and names for the dozen or more kids we'll never have.

Because I am pretty sure that this will be our last baby.

Because I love my job.
Because I love sleeping.
Because I have have a potty mouth, small amounts of patience and,sadly, the womanly arts are a mystery to me.

But then,

She tells me she loves me
And writes me love notes.

She tells me I am her best friend
And listens to your heart beat through a toilet paper tube.

And somehow, even though I am exhausted, emotionally drained and slightly disconnected; We have survived the first day of my maternity leave.

We have had one tantrum an hour. each.
We have made cobbler, gone to the park and read about 159 stories.

We have played together
And cried together.

And...

Along with a lot of fuss and bother
We have made magic.

Then,

I remember how she came to me.
How long I waited for her to cross through time and life times to reach me
to teach me about being a mother.
How to be her mother.
Ruby.

And how you now,
New one,
Tiny one.

Belly Star.

Were born so very far from here.
A tiny light in the night sky.
A star.

Shiny and new.

Traveling at the speed of light.
In order to meet us
Here on earth.
For the first time.

To teach us.
Again.
About life.

About how to see this life
With wide open eyes.

For the first time.

Not asleep.
But awake.

And, full of wonder, I realize:

For the second time...
We have made magic.
.

Sappy and Blessed

2010-09-26T15:46:00.002-07:00

I've been very emotional these last few day. If there was more hours in the day I would write. I would write an epic poem. But in a nutshell, this is how I feel. Sappy and blessed.
Quite reminiscent of Belly Shy. Belly pictures coming soon.

Daddy's Girl

2010-08-23T19:46:00.002-07:00

Carnivore much?

19 weeks -ish

2010-07-27T21:42:00.002-07:00

Happy Birthday Ruby

2010-07-22T12:42:00.003-07:00

Ruby turned two.
How this happened I do not know.
I am almost half way through my second pregnancy.
How this happened I do not know.
Okay. I do...but it never worked that way for us before.

There is a lot of love in our little household right now.
So much love in fact, that many people would probably find themselves more than a bit nauseous in our presence.
There are belly kisses, tent making, river dips and early morning muffin baking.
There are proud potty moments and special stories at bedtime.
There are snuggles, secrets, and giggles.

And....

I'll deny it in public but there has been semi- secret talk of a mini-van.

Shhh... I am not completely ready to accept this as my reality.
As giddy as it makes me to imagine our family off on some adventure, or even off to the grocery store, in one of these marvels of transportation...part of me is still a cute little Golf Girl- if you now what I mean?

Reality will have no choice but to set in when the Hubs can no longer drive our car because of how far forward the driver's seat will have to go to accommodate a second car seat. Oh and, a double buggy? Where would that go? The dogs?

The Hubs is 100% committed. He is stoked. He is trying as hard to get me into one of these babies as he was to get in my pants almost a decade ago.

Oh...how things evolve. From make outs in public parks after dark to mini-vans, playgrounds and a 7:30 bedtime. For us.

Quotes:

While driving in the car. Trying to keep Ruby awake.

Me: What are you thinking about?
Ruby: My bum.
M: What about your bum?
R: I like my bum. It's got a Gina on it. And a tushie.

Again, while driving in the car.

Me: What are you thinking about?
Ruby: A slug riding a bicycle.
M: (laughter) That's pretty funny!
R: Or a snail riding a bicycle.

While playing in blanket fort with Daddy.

R: I am fascinated!
R: Daddy, you're Golden!

Golden Indeed.

Every Single Moment.

Golden.

Up the Duff

2010-05-02T17:52:00.008-07:00

Secrets are so last year...
Which is convenient because apparently my killer secret keeping skills have left the building.

I am knocked up!

That's right folks.

As my dear Katta put it, "I am up the Duff!"

Which blows my mind because with Ruby we cried our selves to sleep for years as we cycled through every natural and non- natural way of conceiving.

This one. This one was ready for us now. So ready that we didn't even know. We didn't have time to even think about if we were ready.

It only takes once! What the? I thought we were just having a nice date together. Who knew intercourse lead to baby making! They should teach us that in school!

Basically, we are: Happy. Shocked. Excited... and totally crapping our pants.

We had pretty much planned on this type of family growth and it is only six months or so earlier than we had planned. But, I guess we had this surreal vision of being a little more together six months down the road. Careers would be smooth running, the house would be remodeled and self cleaning, my Crohn's would have disappeared, the dogs would never need to bark or defecate and the bank accounts would be brimming with cash.

Realistically though, we all know that would never have happened in 6 months. Or the three potential years we thought it may take to conceive. Or ever for that matter.

So there you go!

In short, We went on three dates, I wore my skinny jeans about 3 times, I had a tattoo booked, got my job back after seasonal lay offs and was dreaming about a masters degree in Italy.

But the universe had different plans for our wonderful little lives. Plans that Ruby had predicted several times over the last few months. Plans to send us a miracle from the far away heavens.

A dream.
A star.

So, If all goes well we're having this Star Baby in December. It's early days and
as we all know anything can happen. I am trying to push away any worries and enjoy...

This is all supposed to be a secret. That's why I haven't told you personally if you're one of my local ladies - however, I figure it doesn't count if I tell you in blogosphere.

Wink.
Wink.
More on giddiness, exhaustion, vanity, cravings, mommy and career guilt to follow...

So little time...

2010-04-27T20:16:00.003-07:00

So much love...
Photos care of my talented friend Gabi

A Quicky

2010-01-30T20:57:00.002-08:00

Blessed with Holiday Bliss

2009-12-20T19:36:00.010-08:00

Exhale.
Breathe.
Smile.

The Holiday Season has arrived! The best part of which is that my chosen profession secures the next two weeks as hard core family time! Of course, our definition of vacation is walking to get coffees, hitting the library and chillin' at home (which we'd probably do if we were rich anyhow) but I would not trade this low budget time together for anything.

I miss my Ruby.

I always thought that I would go back to work after my year of maternity leave yet for some reason when September snuck up on me... I was shocked, unprepared and more than a little sad about it. The magical world I had created with my amazing little girl was about to change forever. And, in many ways...will never be the same again.
The fall was blustery.
Mostly positive but so very busy. I tread water just as fast as I could to keep up with the dizzying reality that is being a mom and going to work. My job this fall was new too. Totally awesome, but totally new. So, I couldn't just quietly slip back in to my old routine and run on auto pilot and caffeine. Thank Goodness for my Hubster, working three days a week this year so Ruby doesn't need to go to daycare. We're a little more MasterCard and a little less paycheck these days but we figure...who isn't? Besides, these moments are so very precious. It is a bit difficult to take a step back from being the primary caregiver. And, although it makes my heart smile to see Ruby and her Daddy so happy together, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous.

Ruby is very excited about Christmas but she does still talk a great deal about Halloween. She confuses the two. Perhaps it's because we let her decorate the Christmas tree in her Halloween costume?

In addition to life and its offerings of love, adventure and silliness. I have recently been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Not too terrible but not exactly an insignificant event either. A myriad of test revealed a few unfavourable aspects of my intestines...And, after reading a million books, Lisalou style, I am starting to come to terms. I also realise the sooner I get to the point where I can say- it's not my fault- and mean it- the better.

So that lady in the summer that thought I was pregnant- oops-not a baby but a bout of inflamed intestines. Insomnia- connected. Tiredness. Anemia. Pain. Bathroom Issues. etc...All so, so sexy and so, so connected.

Perhaps most unsettling, for me, is the fact that I need to take drugs- which isn't really my type of thing. I said what if I don't want to take drugs. " Then we can remove your intestines and you can become bowel disabled."

Nice.
So no.

Surgery not sexy-not really a great second option at this time. I longed to hear about a for sure dietary solution but it seems there are more conflicting ideas out there about that than there were on my whole infertility freak show. And we all remember the products, regimens, treatments magic potions and spells I tried during those desperate times.

Lets get to the point- never mind the whole chronic illness thing. We've all got something right? The part that I am obsessing about right now, perhaps because it's not as scary, but probably because I am vain....is that weight gain is a side effect of the drugs I am on.

NOT an option. We're talking I have been feeling a little bit like my old self for a matter of weeks only. Probably I could count the days that I've looked in a mirror and thought: yes. that's what I look like...and not wanted to hide. My self confidence is returning and I feel my sassyness bubbling up inside. I am wearing clothes that feel like me. I feel cute, almost sexy, in the right light.

Anyhow... what will be will be.

Right now we are all healthy, happy, together and blessed.
I vent because I know you ladies are always here for me.
Back to Ruby. She 18 months. She is wonderful.
I love her so much it frightens me.

She gives kisses, colours and manipulates.
She uses manners and cuss words.
She smiles, karate chops and reads.
She throws food on the floor and "cooks" us soup.
She plays with nail polish and drum kits.
She sings.
She laughs.

I laugh too.
I sing.
I love.

I love you my Rubylou.

so cute it hurts

2009-11-12T19:52:00.004-08:00

Discuss

Need I say more....

Playing, Spooking and Booking

2009-11-01T07:51:00.005-08:00

Ruby is 16 months old and really enjoying her full fledged toddlerhood. She can walk, run, jump, bounce,play, imagine, hop,scream, laugh and make marvelous messes. Her favourite thing is and has always been talking! We know she gets her sass and potty mouth from her mommy and her wit and wisdom from her dad but she is definitely her own little person. Which is awesome. And freaky!

Recent highlights include Thanksgiving, the pumpkin patch, the newt suit, Halloween, gym with Nana and the emergence of baby sentences. My favourite new word is in the "ing" verb catagory -but is uniqe, I think, to our Ruby. The word -booking- is used in place of reading and I think it rocks!

gotta be me

2009-10-03T19:41:00.002-07:00

It's never to early in the morning for a dance party at our house.

Stay at home dad, much?

2009-09-18T06:51:00.004-07:00

We are very lucky kids. We've arranged our work schedules so the Hubs is staying home with Ruby a couple of days a week. Can you tell?

Reality

2009-09-07T19:18:00.001-07:00

It's not -next year.
It's not -in the fall.
It's tomorrow...
and I am going to miss her so much.

this one's for mama

2009-08-28T20:19:00.003-07:00

Once again, I've been influenced by my creative gal kgirl.

Her hilariously honest (if only a little exaggerated) Fatboobs story has me wanting to get a little something off my chest.
Well my belly. And my thighs...
Okay, my hips too.

I feel a little vain, a little shy, a little sheepish and a tad selfish dishing this out to you girls... but I know if anybody out there can take it- you can.

Here it is: I want my body back.

Don't get me wrong, I am not super blue. My body is for the most part healthy and, for the recreational user, comfortably fit. But on days like today, mere seconds away from menstruation, my tricky hormones allow a superficial weakness to wash over me...bringing with them a blue wave of self-consciousness. All of my physically linked self-esteem falters. And, to top it off - I end up feeling guilty and silly for spending time obsessing on these negative thoughts at all.

Those of you that know me, real life or blog buddies, know that I love me my baby girl. It took me ages and ages to conceive. Once pregnant, I enjoyed a relatively low stress pregnancy. One little bout of bed rest and a fair bit of swelling. What did I care? I was pregnant! Little did I know, I inherited my mom's genetic predisposition to gain a fair bit of poundage during my stay in preggy land. Just shy of 60 pounds worth to be exact.

Whoa Nelly! What did she just say?

That's right! You heard me. And for those of you snickering or thinking I must have pigged out - Stuff you! I did not. Of course I ate a few extra potatoes and craved a steak or two. But I didn't have a party with crap. I wasn't lying on the couch with spray cheese, ding dongs and pudding. I was swimming before work and doing prenatal yoga after. I was glowing. I was round. I was slow. I was happy.

Now, 14 months later, I am learning that the old adage nine months up nine months doesn't exactly apply to all of us -I am slowly accepting the fact that I will probably never be as buff as I was before Ruby. However, in the last year, apart from nurturing a enigmatic little being, I have been working on my self.

Physically.
Mentally.

I have tried to avoid obsessing about sugar, and carbs and workouts and tried to focus on nurturing my self worth. I've attended dance classes and drama workshops, volunteered, secured a fantastic job for the fall, and have become a practicing Bellyfit instructor. All of these things have helped me keep a positive mind/body balance.

Helped me celebrate the fact that I am a mom.
A woman. A thinker. A doer.

Maybe my size four jeans don't fit. Maybe they never will. But my sixes might. And, in the mean time, these eights aren't so bad...

Snap!

Last night I was shocked back to reality. All the confidence I had gained by losing almost 50 of the 60 pounds I gained during my pregnancy was lost when an insensitive party goer asked if I was expecting baby number two?

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Seriously!? This was a brutal but more understandable comment back when I had the one week postpartum, 6 months pregnant looking, belly... but now?

BUT NOW?

Seriously? Do I still look pregnant? Is my husband lying? Is my best friend lying? Are my deepest most shallowest nightmares true? Is the muffin top, that my husband swears is just "a petite muffin" really a freaking Monster Top? A hideous and pendulous flap, fooling people into thinking I am perpetually pregnant?

Seriously? Should I just hide in my cupboard eating cardboard and newspaper until this blows over. Until I emerge emaciated and fabulous like a starving sunken starlet momma?

Yeah right!

My husband assured me that this woman, this offending creature, really was not very clever...but still.

The last time she saw me, 15 years ago, I was a shrubby little vegan, lesbian wanna be with green hair and a nose ring...but still.

but still....

but still...

My feelings were hurt.
My feelings were hurt.
My feelings were hurt.

And I didn't eat dessert.

sad
silly
true.

Toddling

2009-08-08T20:32:00.002-07:00

Look Who's Talking. And Talking. And Talking

2009-07-26T08:48:00.010-07:00

Ruby is now a whopping 13 months old! And although she seems in no hurry to walk,((Although today at the beach she made great strides!), she is desperately trying to communicate. And by communicate, I mean talk non stop about everything. All the time.

She uses a handful of signs but prefers to tough out trying to boss us around. Ooops, I mean, have lively discussions with us.

Life is so interesting to her and saying "Wa zat?" 24/7 is her way of getting the info she feels she needs and is entitled to.

She can now refer to several body parts on command and will stop moving briefly to enjoy the occasional 2 second hug/snuggle. She cruises, climbs, "reads" and "organizes". She's peed in the potty a couple of times and once I caught a poo!

And did I mention she talks?

A lot.

I wonder where she gets that from....

The sound of sweet baby words is wonderful. I love it. I only get a little weary after a full day of constant chatter if it happens to be 37 degrees out (30 in the house) and what I've heard on a constant and repeating loop is:

"Car, car, car, pool, car, car, bath, car, pool, car,pool, BABY, car, pool, pool, bath, cold, POOL!"

Also, there are a few words that can set her off on an emotional rampage and occasionally need to be spelled out. Not surprisingly, bath and pool are on this list... along with blanket and milk.

So, for archive's sake. At 13 months, here are some of our favourite words around here:

Car
Pool
Bath
Cold
Baby
Maba -used for Mabel and all other dogs. She's dropped the word dog altogether
Poo
Back Pack - to indicate the Ergo carrier
Wa zat? ziz? zoz? -What is that? This? Those?
Two- although she has no concept of this means
Shoes
Mama
Dada
Yia Yia
Na na
Pap - is my Dad
BoBo -another dog
Hi/Hey/Bye
Cracker
Bear
Ball
Toy

Here are some words she tries that probably only we can understand:

St- Stanley
Chugh- Cheese
Bubebe- Blue Berries
cerl- Cereal
ook- Book
bebugh bugh- Belly Button
Chero- Cherioos

Words she tries to/wishes she could say:

Painting
Curtain
Truck
sock
Blanket - there are a few variations on this word but so far she hasn't settled on a favourite.
Grandad- usually comes out as dada
Signs:

more
all done
bath
book - she's is a little crazy with this one.
fan
where is?
milk
thank you -very rare
baby

And, my favourite... which we just confirmed today as an actual word, used in proper context is: COOL!

How awesome is that!

We didn't try and teach her that one but I guess we are just keen and dorky enough that she's heard it a billion times.

She hasn't dropped the F- Bomb yet. But if she can pick up a word like "cool" around here, the Big F isn't far behind...

Shit.

One

2009-06-17T13:23:00.004-07:00

One

One love

One couple
One dream

One miracle
One baby
One blessing

One girl

One family
One year

One love

One

Time for some photos

2009-06-07T09:30:00.003-07:00

I don't need to tell you blog mamas how fast this year has flown by because I am sure that your heads are spinning with wonder at the frenzied pace your own babes are growing.

What I can tell you, is that I can't believe the rate at which Ruby changing. She is developing,growing, learning, communicating, laughing, playing, talking, eating and becoming a real little person. A character with unique wants, needs, likes, dislikes, talents, flaws, skills and of course a wicked mouth and an awesome sense of humor.

Basically, she blows my mind and I can barely keep up with recording all of her wonderful new discoveries and abilities on her baby calender. Speaking of her baby calender...We're on the last page!? What the heck? Ruby turns one in less than two weeks. How did this happen? Where did our year go? Never mind the year, where did my baby go? This girl is trying to talk, trying to walk and has completely weaned herself from my breast (sniffle, sniffle- although within two weeks I had my beloved, if not a tad deflated and saggy, A cups back. Woot!)

In preparation for her first birthday, I decided, quite uncharacteristically, to craft something special up for her. A cloth doll. I found the pattern here and it is adorable. I posted a photo of the finished product below. Only, be sure not to tell her because it's a surprise.

Isn't she a doll?

A bike ride with the Hubs' parents...Who, by the way, are moving here this summer. And will be taking care of My Baby three days a week next year when the Hubs is at work. Yeah for Nana and Grandad and Daddy. Boo for mommy working five days a week again. Except that it's my dream job. Oh the conflict. Oh the eternal stuggle. The Mommy guilt. Is it wrong that while I'd rather her be with them over anywhere else that I am a bit jealous?

Man, I will miss going for walks and coffees with my girlfriends. I mean I will miss playdates and raising my darling dancer. Seriously though, I never thought I'd say this but the thought of returning to work doesn't really appeal that much to me. Except that it's my dream job. (repeat the last two paragraphs over and over and you can get an idea about what I often think about when I can't sleep at night).

Mommy's One Year present to herself. A bike Trailer! So fun! Ruby is a little miffed about the whole idea of a helmet but she is getting used to it. We rode as a family to the farmer's Market yesterday. It was dreamy.

Heat wave Deck Party. Thanks Grandad for building us a deck!
Ruby at Williams Beach.

Happy Camper

2009-05-19T09:09:00.002-07:00

Ruby is a Happy Camper! She is a natural naturalist!

She thoroughly enjoyed crawling in the dirt, playing with sticks, watching the campfire and falling asleep to the sound of the crashing surf, and tinkling rain in our snuggly little camper.

Highlights included a bath in the sink, hikes in the ergo, eating,a nap in Yiayia's camper and a lunch trip to SOBO. I definitely would say that our camping trip to Green Point in Pacific Rim National Park was a success.

I only wish we had photos of Nicholas, my dad and I surfing! Next time.

titacular

2009-05-11T20:53:00.003-07:00

It is with mixed emotions that I put this out there. I am not feeling that eloquent this evening and am not going to be able to write this in a lovely way but here goes...

1. my baby girl is almost 11 months old.
2. I love her
3. A lot
4. two days ago when nursing she bit me so hard that she drew blood (To be fair, she did cut a tooth this weekend, perhaps even two...)
5. she often tries to grab my nipple and put it in her mouth
6. she has only nursed "properly" about once a day for the last few days
7. she eats like she's a pro footballer

So, is my baby self weaning? Is she sending me signs that it is time to move on from the blessed boob?

Part of me is excited, giddy even, at the prospect of having my tatas back. While the other part, most of me, is quite sappy about losing this part of our magical momma/baby relationship.

I didn't honestly see myself nursing much longer than a year anyhow but this has kind of snuck up on me.

Please tell me your stories. Please share your weaning experiences here.

I say stories because I know each one of us mommas have baby boobie practices that are as unique and amazing as our mammarys. Oops I mean babies.

Sigh. As my baby approaches toddler hood. I smile with pride and my heart swells with so many emotions, or is it hormones. At any rate, I can see why we women often give birth to more than one of these precious little beasties. I mean babies.

I told you I wasn't feeling the writerly vibe tonight, you should have known by the time you read the title...but there it is.
Discuss.

layers- not the post I intended to write.

2009-04-30T09:12:00.009-07:00

My dear friend kgirl has set my mind to thinking yet again. Thinking about personas. About the layers we have... our personality types, character traits, quirks, faults, passions and inspirations. About who we are in our lives as women, lovers, friends. About who we are at home, at work and who we are on the world wide web vs who we are in the whole wide world.

Of course, as it always does these days, my mind came full circle back to motherhood. How all of our layers-all of the spirit, baggage, detritus, guts, love and light that make up who we are- affect how we mother. After all, the role of Mom is probably the main character, never mind character trait, that many of us will play in our life times.

So am I playing the role of mom how I thought I would? Am I giving a convincing performance? In my role of mom will I be a good role model?

There are such a variety of parenting styles out there. Each with enough research, praise and shit talk backing it all to drive a thinking woman mad. Of course, in our rational moments, us moms know that it's all about balance and what works for our child is what's right for us. But there's always the guilt, the what if wonderings and the late night surreptitious forays onto the Internet. What are other moms saying? doing? What does Dr. Google think? Should I think that way too?

Ultimately over the years we will become seasoned and this very special layer of who we are will become shiny and confident.

As I grow and learn, I will cherish each experience, heartache, mistake and milestone... as my mom layer blossoms.

I will watch what I thought I would do or think...
give way to the reality that is my life as a mom.
and a dancer. a writer. a teacher. lover. friend.
a foul mouthed trucker wanna be. an inspired, soul searching dreamer.
cotton underpants wearing. flannel enthusiast.
sensual, emotional being.
irrational. rebellious. cautious.
thoughtful, thankful. tired
experience.
energy.

and on and on...

Layers upon beautiful layers of who I have been, who I am and who I will become...

Now that I am Ruby's Mom.

I am one of those people now...

2009-04-24T19:23:00.004-07:00

I just need to share some pictures of my 10 month old baby girl...

Why do we love lists?

2009-04-15T13:28:00.008-07:00

As kgirl says "Lately, on blogs/facebook/twitter (really, what’s the difference anymore?), there’s been a lot of chatter regarding people’s Bucket List, and their antithesis, the much more entertaining, F*ck It List."

Inspired by the joys, including being barfed upon, of motherhood... She's named it the Upchuck It List.

It is a list of unique experiences, never before thought possible, until one is blessed with motherhood.

Lisalou's Upchuck It List

Fifteen things I never thought I would do until I became a mother:

1. Enjoy baby poop. Especially the satisfying sound a well formed turd makes as it splashes merrily in to the bowl.

2. Run to examine, praise and admire said poop, even when it is not my turn to change the diaper.

3. Long for the quiet hours of nap time. Not so that I may sleep, nobody said I was a clever woman, but so that I may sit next to and stare at the miracle that is my beautiful, healthy baby.

4. Get upset when I realize it's gotten later than say, 8:30pm and I am not in bed yet and/or cry over the irony that I can't sleep when the baby is sleeping.

5. Consider 6 am sleeping in and 4 hours of sleep (total, not in a row) not only doable- but a blessing.

6. Woop for joy when I get my period.

7. Chose playing with my baby girl over just about any other activity.

8. Wear running shoes just about everyday -even when not running.

9. Have two basic uniforms- comfy and clean (for public) /comfy and barfed on (for the rest of the time) Thus, realizing how vain I actually am for longing to wear, and look foxy, in my old clothes. (almost there- but frick it's taking for ever)

10. Neglect the fur babies. Except when I need them to lick up some remotely edible mess. Disgusting but true.

11. Feel that I deserve luxurious treats like lattes, perfume, yoga classes, chocolate, or special attention for doing the same job that every other mother in the world does and has done for ever. Because I am the princess. Or at least I was...

12. Feel shame and guilt for this and a million other real and imagined reasons. Like when I have little patience with my tiny person, when I think about going back to work next year and she is in childcare, when I am out with her in a stroller and I think she really just wants to be free to play (or vice verca), when I spend money, when I worry (Is she tired? Hungry? In pain? Should I have hidden Easter Eggs? Do I swear too much?Is this normal? Is that? ), when I obsess, when I feel selfish, when I want time alone, when I want time with my Husband.

13. Finally understand the bliss that comes with having a 'cold one' at the end of a long day. Specifically: a gin and tonic.

14. Try to take photos and video footage of every minute moment in her babyhood so that I may capture the preciousness of it all. (This from a girl who didn't even bring a camera on her own honeymoon).

15. And most of all, revel in the fact that my entire perspective on reality shifted.

I now know the greatest happiness of all.

Nothing else matters.

Just this. This family.

This love.

Ruby.

Attack of Tomato

2009-03-26T19:08:00.003-07:00

OUCH!

2009-03-01T18:37:00.001-08:00

Nipple Biting.
Discuss.

8 months

2009-02-19T14:03:00.006-08:00

I can not believe my beloved drooling pooper is 8 months old already.
I can not.

What I do believe is this:

I am totally in fricken' love with her!

At 8 months, Ruby has developed a repertoire of mad baby skills.
Including, but not limited to:

-saying dada, mumum, dg. I do think she knows dg means Dog. The other two are probably just heart warming coincidences.
- sitting up and playing with both hands
-banging things together
-rocking on hands and knees
-dragging herself forward
-inch worming backwards
-butt scoothching
-the infamous 360 degree belly spin
-lunging with wild abandon for desired goods
-fussing when she can't have said desired goods
-shoving everything, including fist fulls of dog fur, in to her mouth.
- making all sorts of neat mouth noises: Zurberts, Razzes, clicking, trumpets
-yelling
-smiling, laughing, chatting and loving
-making human shaped poops
-drooling
-feeding her self finger food.
-making crude attempts at the sign for "More" to indicate the need for more food
-sprouting a tooth that she uses for eating food
-using a spoon to eat her own food
-did I mention eating food?
-"dancing" to music
-"singing" along when her Dad plays guitar.
-attempted waves and high fives
-stand/bouncing with support
-looking for objects, people, sounds
-peek a boo and anticipation of favourite actions with baby songs

Whew, that seems like a lot and my mind is racing thinking of all of the wonder and joy this little girl brings into our lives.

As a new mom, I think I am doing pretty good. My skills are developing too.
I have been cursed with a case of the, all too common, new mom insomnia. But apart from that, I am in an awesome head space. I am enjoying my year off of work more than I could have ever imagined and my anxious perseverating self has started, just a little, to fret about going back. But I am not allowing myself to let it consume me. It's too soon. I am having too much fun.

And, I do have a very ego-centric, vanity inspired, post brewing in my mind...

But that too, will have to wait for another day.

Today it's sunny out and it's time to play.

Techno Wizard

2009-01-20T13:52:00.004-08:00

I think I may have just figured out how to combine a couple of videos at a time. Whoa.
Slow down techno momma..you're gonna make yourself dizzy...

7 months

2009-01-20T13:17:00.008-08:00

A little gnome hat for a little gnome princess. Hand made with love by Aunti Chanti.

Also, life jacket safety is important! Ruby is loving her swimming lessons.

And because videos are so much fun:

Happy

2009-01-02T19:10:00.002-08:00

Happy New Year everyone.

I want for nothing. I have everything I have ever dreamed of and more.

My wish for this new year is health, happiness and love in continuous and ridiculous amounts for myself and everyone I know.

That includes you and yours.

Cheers to new life.
Cheers to love.
to family. to friends.
to to happiness and health.

Cheers to a very happy new year.

The greatest gift

2008-12-19T09:02:00.003-08:00

Ruby opens a magical gift from her Aunty Chanti. A very special personalized stool...hand crafted by Chanti's Dad. The letters are like little puzzle pieces and are already proving to be quite entertaining. How spoiled are we?!

As for me... I've got everything (everyone) I've ever wanted...The greatest gift I have ever received is you. Ruby.

Time

2008-12-13T18:08:00.009-08:00

The days are flying by at a feverish pace.
It boggles my mind.

My baby is blasting her way through sleepers on almost a weekly basis. She eats food, makes real poo in her Kushies, sits upright in her BOB stroller without her car seat and blows a mean Raspberry. She has mastered rolling (in one direction only), and stands confidently on my lap chatting up (read:yelling at) any one who will listen.

She is a pterodactyl. A gnome. A princess.
An angel.
A miracle.

When I look at her I now understand how parents send their university aged children off to school thinking...What the frick? Where did the time go? I also understand how motherhood amplifies the paranoia associated with sirens, the sketchy person/situation radar and the extremely low emotional tolerance for commercials and/or shows containing anything remotely sappy, happy, sad or romantic.

I love her so much and although I must pranayma breath my way through individual (and fairly infrequent) screaming spells I am winded by the thought of her growing up...of our time together passing too fast. This, from the woman who was afraid of Maternity leave. Although I still can't picture myself as a full time stay home mom- I worry about my return to the work place (In September). How will I manage being away from her? Who will care for her? How do you know a good childcare provider? Can we afford to work part-time?

We just now, at almost six months, felt like we should probably go out without her for the evening. Not because we needed or wanted to leave her - but just that perhaps it's a bit creepy if we didn't. Individual girls' and guys' night out are awesome but...

So, we left her with her Yiayia and went out for some Yuletide festivities. I flat ironed my hair, wore make up, talked to adults, drank two and a half ciders and got my ass kicked by Dance Dance Revolution. It was fun.

We came home before midnight, kissed our little angel and tucked my momma in. We snuggled in to bed and rehashed the events of our evening out and agreed that we're very lucky kids. We have great friends, a loving and supporting family and of course our precious Ruby.

5 months

2008-11-21T07:57:00.007-08:00

Hello blogland!
Have I ever mentioned how much I love you - Well I do.
But not as much as I love the family life.
Because I love the family life A LOT.

Speaking of family...Can you believe ma petite chouette is 5 months old already! Wow!

We're having very busy and exciting times around here.

1) On the last couple of Sundays, we went to the Aquatic Centre for the family and tot swim. Ruby loves it! I have been practicing with her in the big tub for a few weeks and I think our impromtu lessons paid off! She is a natural water baby.

She chortled, laughed and cooed. She stared at the water and all of the other babies. However, the most amazing thing is, that when on both her tummy and her back, she just knew how to kick. We pulled her around on the kick board and she had a blast. She doesn't seem to mind being dunked either. People were watching her and commenting on how clever she was! We were quite proud. I am very excited about swimming lessons- She'll be old enough in January.

The Hubs was reliving fond memories of swimming with his family at the Y in Montreal. We seem to follow each session with a celebration of our success with some breakfast Bacon n'Eggers at A&W...I think we've found ourselves a great little Sunday morning ritual.

2) Ruby wore her first official party dress. She wore it especially for her Yiayia's 60th Birthday dinner at the Kingfisher. You know it was fancy because she wore the ruffle bum tights underneath. She was such a good girl that night-like she knew it was a special day. I was so nervous because the only other time we attempted to take her out for a late dinner (she's usually fine, as long we're home by her bed time) was a disaster. The whole dinner was a write off. I think we all had a good cry along with the inconsolable, unrecognizable, screaming babe.

3) This girl loves her grub! We tried feeding Ruby a couple of times in the past few weeks. We've tried organic yams, squash and barley cereal. It's been going really well. We started mostly because I was curious. I wondered about how she would do, if she would like it and if she was ready or not. I guess the fact the she yells at us while we are eating is a bit of a dead give away. She is most certainly related to us, we're eaters, as she stares at us with an open mouth and a wild tongue as we load up her spoon. She panics and yells if we're too slow. Sometimes she cries when we're done. The tears stop when I whisk the dishes away and give her a bright toy for distraction or a warm boobie for dessert.

4) Teeth. Remember a while back when I said that she got her 2 bottom canine teeth. Well they're gone. I swear they were there. I saw and touched them. I remember the nurse at her 4 months shots said they'd probably go back down and I was thinking...what? Any stories like this ladies??? At any rate, Ruby has also experienced her first bout of diaper rash this week so perhaps that means her true chompers are on their way.

5) Daylight savings time. I swear who ever had this great idea did not have children! Yikes. Ruby is a great little sleeper but she is a slave to her routine. She gets quite miffed if the timing of all her sleeping rituals are messed with. So you can probably imagine what the last few weeks have been like. Not terrible-just a bit frustrating. A little like watching someone dance to a great song -off beat. I mean the dancing is still fun but man is it painful to watch that guy...

Yes, well, my metaphors are a bit rusty these days but you know what I mean. Any hoo, I think we're almost back to normal on the sleep front around here. Last night She slept (almost) straight through the night. No feeds just a couple of head pets needed. We're still working on integrating bigger (longer that 20 minute) naps but I think we've got a pretty livable system going.

I thing we're doing okay
No.
I know we're more than okay.
We're absolutely frickin' fabulous.

(Someone slap me -I am all sapped out again.)

picture day

2008-11-08T12:19:00.004-08:00

They say that pictures are worth a whole boat load of words- So I am hoping that these four little beauties will do the trick. I admit I have been super slack these days and I am beginning to feel the tiniest bit of blogger shame.

But not too much.

To say that I have been having the time of my life would be an understatement. I am absolutely in LOVE with my daughter and aside from a few vanity issues I am loving motherhood too. I am exceeding my own expectations of being competent and having patience. Sure, I have my moments, and I am almost positive I will be losing it come February....but I really do love being a mom. And, I really don't miss work that much. Who knew?

I've even cooked dinner for the Hubster on a few occasions. Look at me go! Next thing you know I'll be cleaning the house. Har Har.

Ruby is growing like crazy. She'll be 5 months on the 16th and at her 4 month shots she weighed in at just under 17 pounds. She is 25" long, has two teeth, and judging by current mood swings and chomping she'll be getting more soon.

She is usually an absolute delight. Her personality is exactly how I imagined it. Sassy, curious, busy, independent and loud. She loves her routines and her bedtime -just like Mommy and Daddy.

We got her an Exersauser last week. I am not big on huge hunks of plastic cluttering up our wee nest but this thing rocks. Literally. It is a monstrosity and it is encrusted with hideous made -in- china farm themed toys...but she loves it.

To ease my consumer guilt we got it second hand. I think it was worth it because our little play mat definitley seems to be losing it's mystique. The baby chair is also looking a bit small next to Ruby's massive self.

So, she is enjoying bouncing, spinning and rocking while smacking and yelling at the barn yard animals. Lets face it- they had it coming.

Okay - Now for the photos:

Family apple picking day - October 2008

Girlie snowsuit picked out by Daddy - October 2008
First Halloween party with my little devil - October 2008
Whisler Road Trip (in the ferry line up)- October 2008

There really are a million little things that amaze me about this child. About this journey.

Each day, each hour, each minute even... milestones are reached, smiles and giggles are exchanged and hearts are warmed and filled with joy. I feel so blessed, so special and so sappy as I furiously try to archive an infinitely growing number of special moments into my forever memory.

Like the scissor kicks at diaper changing times, the routine unicorn sniff and face rub when sleepiness strikes, the dog fur snatch and the koala bear clutch while riding snug in the ergo. Or, the way leaves catch her eye when we walk in the wind and the way her restless hand grabs my face as we nurse on the couch. The way she yells at her toys or hums at my breasts. The way she studies the world around her with intense curiosity and sleeps so soundly. So peacefully.

All of these things amaze me.
All of these things bring me joy.
All of the things... are what I've always dreamed of.
They are real and they are priceless.
They are special.
And they're ours.

Forever.
Love.

Insomnia and other treasures

2008-10-16T05:51:00.005-07:00

It is currently 5:30 am. I have been up since 3 am. I am the only one in my house that is awake. Every one is asleep. Even my sweet little baby has been sleeping all night.

Now, I am trying very hard to stay positive about this. I mean, it's quiet in the house. I was able to eat a bowl of cereal. Go to the bathroom. Check my email.
All with out interruption.

But seriously though body...WHAT THE FUCK!?

I am no stranger to sleepless nights. I have got one of those little Hamster in the Plastic Ball kind of brains that just spins and spins. In the past, these nights have caused me much frustration and tears. I would usually toss and turn for hours and usually I would end up waking the Hubs so he could console me and pet my hair.

Tonight I tried something a little different. While tomorrow (today) is bound to suck just as hard at least I am not crying or super frustrated at this point. I didn't feel right about waking the Hubs and after trying several of my usual tricks (including several sleep locations) I decided to give up. And, if I keep to my positive theme...I cam muster a bit of enjoyment out of the peaceful darkness that surrounds me as I sit cocooned, wrapped in a quilt on my living room sofa. Oooo...Maybe I should make tea.

Having said all that... you must know that I am wide awake. I am freakin' tired and what kind of a freak can't sleep when their whole family is sleeping!

Anyhoo,

A year ago today, I went to the doctor after peeing on three pregnancy tests and seeing for the first time the two pink lines I had always dreamed of seeing!

Not a day goes by, sleepless night or not, that I do not truly believe that I am the luckiest woman alive.

Ruby is 4 months old today!

Have I mentioned how much I love her lately?

Some of her most popular tricks these days include:

-her two canines
-rolling on to her side
-batting at objects
-yelling at toys
-smiling and laughing
-sitting- for a couple of seconds
-lap standing and being pulled up to a standing position
-being really cute
-crying
-pooping
-sleeping- naps are still hit and miss
-grabbing and holding
-biting
-sticking everything in her mouth -very cute
-drooling
-flirting
-kicking
-looking at books
-holding her head up and steady
-burping and farting

Ummm... There's probably more but that's all I can think of right now. Still though, I find it mind boggling. How could this petite little being have grown inside me, emerged, be fed just by me and grow to be a completely separate and unique human being. It really does blow my mind. On a daily basis.

Another mind blowing fact is that the Hubs and I when on our first date sans
baby last Saturday. Ruby stayed at home with her Grandparents. They were in town for Ruby's first Thanksgiving. Which by the way went off quite well. We were exhausted (We really haven't been sleeping well- and it doesn't have anything to do with Ruby!) but both sets of grand parents were here along with the hub's sister and my brother. The food was delicious, thanks hubby o 'mine and both families got along great. Ruby was the center piece as we all huddled around her play mat with our meal on our laps in our tiny living room.

I digress. See what insomnia can do! It's affecting my blogging even!

So, It was nice to go out to have a meal and chat uninterrupted but we found the whole experience a tad overrated. Perhaps we're just lame. Had their been energy for mind blowing lovin' our opinion might have been different. We did not talk about the baby the entire time but when we returned after a couple of hours the Grandparents were disappointed. "We're just getting to the good stuff! they explained as they tried to shoo us back out the door. Needless to say there had been several outfit changes and at least one photo shoot.

I am sure their will be many more sleepless nights, dates and grandparent inspired photo shoots in our future.

And you know what?

I couldn't be happier.

Busses, Books and Biting

2008-10-10T13:04:00.007-07:00

I can not believe how time races by. Next Thursday, our precious baby will be 4 months old already. Now that Ruby is here, in our lives, we feel so happy and fulfilled. Plus, not a day goes by without an amazing array of kick ass baby skills.

BOOKS
When I started showing her baby cloth and board books when she was just a wee thing, she did not show much interest. These days she's been going hog wild over them. She screeches, flaps her arms, kicks her legs, and bounces up and down in my lap as she tries to grab at the pages. Our very first trip to the library was a huge success, yielding plenty of good screams/reads.

BUSES
Last Thursday the weather here got a little nasty. It was awesome. Fall was in full force as leaves whipped around in the wind and the rain pelted down. Instead of walking or driving to do our usual rounds of errands, chores and mommy/baby groups...We (I) decided we should take the bus. You know, spice things up a bit,live on the wild side. Crazy- I know it~!

The bus was great even though it took us an hour and a half return trip of what would have taken 20 minutes in the car. As far as the mommy/ baby group goes...I'm not sure it's my thing. I would like the chance to meet new moms like myself. But the problem is that I really am A Bit of a Dude and I did not find that kind of setting super enthralling. It's hard to explain...I guess I am an odd one. I'm not saying, Never shall I return to baby group. I am just saying, I wonder what else is out there?

BITING
Although quite painful, this is by far my most favourite development. It out shines the lap standing, the toy batting, the coos, gurgles and the attempted semi-rolls.

MY BABY HAS TEETH! What the fuck!? Seriously?

Yup. I did see this coming but then I totally forgot about it. Ruby started drooling profusely at about 2 months. Everyone thought, for sure she is too young to start teething...However, after reading up on the subject I confirmed that it could be happening.

The drooling was followed by sucking and then shoving everything within reach into the mouth orifice. Then there were three strait, frustrating days of mid afternoon screaming followed by several more days of irritability. It wasn't until I noticed her rosy cheeks and Bum that I decided to send in a finger for investigation.

That's when I discovered them. Well one, the other one I spied later that day.
Teeth! Teeth nubs anyhow. Her two bottom canines. I was so proud. I was so freaking sad/happy. My little girl is growing up.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry.
I did.
I balled my freaking eyes out.

Reading, Riding and now teeth all at 3.5 months.
Lets not get carried away little girl.

Maybe she wants to be a vampire for Halloween. Hummm...

In other news, I think I may be ovulating. I felt a little crampy the other day and noticed a bit of CM. Of course, I have been moody for ages so we can't use that as an indicator can we now? Bloated? Maybe...It's hard to tell. I've got a bit of a belly going on.

Interesting. The poor Hubs, after years of infertility he is a bit confused. "Does that mean we do it? Or we don't do it now?"

By the way, is anyone else out there excited about Thanksgiving this weekend? I know we are around here. There's going to be a whole lot of family (Baby Lovers) and turkey eaters at our house this year.

Bring it on!

Congratulations

2008-09-30T09:11:00.001-07:00

YAY! A BABY GIRL HAS JUST ARRIVED!

Boot Camp Blues

2008-09-25T09:46:00.005-07:00

So.
Boot Camp was great last Thursday.
It was outside. I sweat. I smiled. I chatted with other Boot Camp Mamas.

But then I obsessed. I googled. I saw the health nurse and called the doctor...
You see, I was really quite surprised that the course included running. Don't get me wrong- I love to run -but I was pretty sure 3 months was too soon for Baby. I had imagined something quite similar to what we did but without the bursts of jogging.

Finally, after too many waffley sounding answers, I phoned a friend. A friend that knows EVERYTHING about babies. (She knows so much in fact that it makes me a tad nervous.) A friend that would give me a straight, informed, honest, answer. Even if it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.

She is an Infant Development Consultant. If you need answers on any toy, activity, exercise, food, developmental stage, worry or poop colour -She's the one to call. Just don't tell her that your Bumbo Chair is on the kitchen table or that you've got a Jolly Jumper - Or you're going to get it!

Sure enough, after I checked in with her, I learned- No Running with baby until at least 6 months! She said, "Did you drink when you were pregnant? Did you surf or ski? Why take the risk? It is not worth it!"

Of course, I cried.

I'll blame it on hormones but I just felt so conflicted. I want to do the right thing for my precious girl. I want to get fit. I want to play out side with her and other moms and babes. People run with their babies all the time, I thought. So why did I feel so nervous about it? Why is my gut telling me -it's too soon?

Just because I was looking for a "Yes", and I wanted to ignore what my heart knew all along, I contacted the BOB stroller people. They sealed the deal by saying 8 months- especially if you're going off road.

There you go.
So, sadly,and I really do mean sadly - Boot Camp is nixed for now.
The leaders were very understanding and are going to refund my money. I am hoping to sign up again in the spring. I quite certain that I'll still have extra booty to Boot Camp off by then.

No matter how whiny this sounds- you have to understand that I really do want to do what is best for my little Ruby. We waited way too long and we love her way too much to blow it all for some cheap, sweaty, spandex covered thrills.

I've got my whole life ahead of me. I know I'll get my groove back and become the hot yummy mommy I've always dreamed of being. But these early months with my baby girl are fleeting and I am going to savour every last drop.

Thank goodness for my breast pump and my evening Bikram and Bellyfit classes!

Hummm...Maybe I can use my refund to sign up for that Hip Hop Class I've been eyeing up?

"Oh honey, hubby, oh darling of mine... Can I go out tonight?"

Mountain Baby

2008-09-24T08:29:00.004-07:00

I don't think there is anything more precious than a baby with healthy, fat, rosy cheeks.

Gotta love that fresh, crisp, fall, mountain air.

I feel so sappy, happy and blessed.

Something about this time of year brings out the romantic mushball in me.

Leaves blowing across a grey sky.
The smell of coffee brewing, roast dinners and woodsmoke.
Me snuggling under my warm quilt on the couch.
Wearing fuzzy jammies.
Rain drops on the roof.
Heaven.

And this is going to be the best fall ever...
Because of you,
Ruby.

My Angel.

3 Months!

2008-09-17T14:26:00.003-07:00

If I were to ask you -How much freakin' laundry can a 15 pound person make?
Your only answer, if you respond honestly, can be- A SHIT LOAD!
Literally. Did I mention I am washing my own cloth diapers now?

It is quite shocking. The sheer volume of laundry I've been doing is a strange sort of marker in my life. A milestone. A right of passage if if you will.
I am wife. I am mom.
I am now the type of woman who does laundry.
I am the sort of woman who does laundry, not just once a week-but every day.

It is for this reason that I am anxiously awaiting my new,albeit entry level, front loading washer/dryer "team". Our current set aren't really team players anymore -at all. It's not their fault though. They came with the house and I make them out to be circa 1960.

Also, Do you know my little girl is now a whopping 3 months old. She's practically doubled her birth weight, she's talking up a storm and she's started this adorable little scootch by pushing herself on her back with her feet. She makes my heart melt.

I am also quite proud of myself because I've graduated to sleeping in my own room. I've moved from 4 steps away in her room to 8 huge steps away in my own room in my own adult sized bed -Hubster included.

It feels scary, strange, lonely, exciting, and romantic. Who knows? At this rate, we may have to break out the condoms by Christmas.
Kidding.
Kind of.

My world would be complete (Isn't there always something -Dang! Could you imagine how simpler it would be if we could just be satisfied with how blessed we all are) if I could just see the shadow of my former, I am realizing now, buff self within my postpartum pudge.

I know "It will come." and "It takes time" .
And, ultimately - I am cool with it. It's just that I have been wearing yoga pants, not the sexy kind, for over a year now and I am having reoccurring nightmares of the high school bully calling me a fat cow in public.

I know I've got nothing to prove to anyone and my body just grew and gave birth to the most magnificent of miracles...but that doesn't mean I am not going to fixate.

Besides a girl's allowed a bit of vanity, isn't she? Even if she's doing laundry in sacked out, puke stained yoga pants all day.

So today, I'll smile as I chuck a load of pissed in diapers in my shiny new set...Because, tomorrow is the first day of Baby Boot Camp.
And there's nothing like a good ass kicking to make this Momma smile.

See what I mean about the talking? She may look like her Daddy. But she sounds like her Momma.

Check me out!

2008-09-05T09:03:00.005-07:00

Oh yeah, this little girl has got some moves. Not only can she hold her head up, kick her feet, and poop ninety miles an hour...She, my friend, already knows how to work the menfolk.

That's it! She is grounded until she is at least 40! Either that or I will have to avoid bathing her and start dressing her in burlap.

Although she looks innocent, like a twin of her angelic Daddy... She is not afraid of talking smack like her crazy Momma. Like me, she seems to be quite a talker. She likes to coo, flirt, and chortle at her friends, the toys, but when she turns on them it gets pretty ugly. The evil eye comes out and the trash talking begins.
She will chastise, insult, and argue with each stuffy in turn. She's not afraid to call them out on their bullshit.
It is adorable.
It makes me proud.

I don't know why the text in this post is underlined or weird coloured. I can't figure it out and it is seriously pissing me off! Gotta go...the baby is stirring.

2 months

2008-08-24T18:07:00.003-07:00

Two wonderful months have raced past in a blur of diapers and snuggles. And, although I often wonder if I'll ever have the time or creative energy to write anything that is witty, poignant or spell checked again...I have often thought of the blog land over the last several weeks. I'll think , oh I should write about that later, or the hubster will make a comment about how a situation would make an interesting post for my blog.

Then, I whip out my boob to nurse and all of a sudden three hours have gone by and I am staring zombie- like at who knows what on the muted TV and I wonder how it got to be 11pm. Also, I wonder why my girl is still up. The dogs, on the other hand, are wondering where the fuck their dinner is.

So it seems I have a moment now, so I thought I should let you all know that we're All Good here in the family love nest. We even survived the first round of immunization shots. The dogs, however, are a little disgruntled -but they're hanging in.

The coolest thing about being a mom is messing with your child. Here, Ruby is being ever so patient while my friends and I create an artistic gumboot and bikini photo shoot.Here we are, all smiles, after an 8 hour sleep ( that's right folks- but it doesn't happen all the time, so please don't hate me). This was our first family road trip/ practice mini vacation to Victoria.
And this is just an adorable photo of my gorgeous baby girl.

We love you Ruby!

8 weeks

2008-08-11T08:55:00.001-07:00

Shower

2008-08-05T13:47:00.006-07:00

Last weekend my friend Chantel hosted a lovely Welcome Ruby Party for me and my sweet little toot muffin. Love her.

Because I am a bit of a dude, I requested that there be none of the usual games and favors etc... All I needed was to hang out in her beautiful back yard with good friends and food.

Sunday was a beautiful day and I simply can not believe how spoiled we were. We were truly 'showered' with gifts and attention. It was incredible. So many people showed up to show their love for Ruby. Ruby was asleep the entire time. Which was good in a way because it meant that everyone got to have a little snuggle. It was the most socializing I've done in weeks -I was completely spent afterwards.

This cake tasted even better than it looks, if you can believe it?! My friend Katta made it. Love her. It's homemade carrot cake with cream cheese icing. Yummy!
These cupcakes seemed like a good idea at the time. I ordered red icing to be a bit cute with a tad of a Ruby theme. They were tasty in a sinful sort of way but the icing was a bit intense. You really had to commit if you dared indulge. We're talking red lips, teeth, face, fingers, nails... you get the idea.
After several hours and the most incredible shit show involving:a break down of our car (which would be dealt later to the tune of $970 thank you very much) , a sanctioned B&E at my folks place, a Rottweiler calmed with a ham and cheese croissant, a hijacking of my Dad's 1980's, white, convertible mustang... My cute little Hubster arrived from picking his sister up at the ferry. They pulled up with the top down, their twin grins shining and their blond hair flowing in the wind.

They were a titch late but they were in good spirits and there was still plenty of food and love to go around. It was great that Ruby finally got to meet her auntie Claire. Those two are already totally in love and I can tell that they are going to be trouble.Ruby is one lucky little girl. Not only is she loved to bits by her mom and dad, but she is spoiled by all of her friends and family. Check out the amazing sweater that was hand knitted for her by my friend Katta! Isn't it just amazing?
In other news... We had our final midwives appointment last week, which was quite sad, and our little girl is already 11 pounds! She is one healthy little lady.

I got the go ahead on most of the activities that I want to do and have already gone swimming once and for one bike ride. It feels good to exercise again. I am trying to just enjoy the journey towards fitness without obsessing too much. You'd have to know me to know how difficult this is. I'll give you a clue- I had to get the Hubster to hide the scale from me.

I know.

Anyways, I have been away from my Ruby only twice, each time less than an hour, since she was born. And although it is wonderful to have some me time, it does feel very strange (but not bad) to be away from her.

Watching Nicholas give her her first ,practice, bottle of breast milk made me cry.

It was a beautiful and tender sight.

As soon as he was done, I placed her to my breast and clung to her with all of my might.

She is so precious to me.

I cherish every moment her babyhood.

Every moment.

Domestic Bliss

2008-07-22T12:21:00.005-07:00

One thing I forgot to mention in my last post is....
Even when I am tired and frustrated. Even when my Ruby cries:

I am happier than I have ever been in my life.

We worked and waited a long time for our precious baby girl and I can not possibly explain the love that fills my heart. It is a huge, sappy, amount of love. And, just like happy poems...lovey dovey posts aren't as juicy and entertaining as the posts where the frazzled author is muttering obscenities under her breath.

But just in case you disagree, here are a lovely couple of pictures for you.

These were taken yesterday morning as the hubs and I hung out with our little babe on the living room floor. We cooed and made love eyes at each other as the morning sun dappled and danced around us.

The coffee was fresh.
The dogs were cute.
The summer CBC programming filled the air.

Basically, all of our wildest dreams about becoming a family were playing out in a perfect vignette of Domestic bliss on the living room floor.

It was a scene we had dreamed about for years...

No matter how cheesy it sounds...

We couldn't be happier.

Crying 101

2008-07-20T10:28:00.004-07:00

I know I am not a bad person, nor am I a terrible mom.
And, last night's episode of 4 continuous hours of crying and screaming came as no shock to me.

However, after walking, feeding, changing, bouncing, swaddling, soothing, and rocking -exhaustion set in.
There were some adult sized tears.
Some deal making.
Some under the breath mutterings.

In fact, I think my exact words to my darling one month old baby girl were, " Oh my God Ruby, What the fuck?"

Nice one, mom.

Finally, I set her in the blessed BOB (for a second time) and we wearily trudged off to the park to fetch my husband from his sporting activities/male bonding evening.

He came home with me.
He calmed our daughter.
He calmed me.

I love him.

Once my baby girl was sleeping soundly and my frustration had subsided...

It was quiet again.

It was quiet enough for me to hear my Ruby breathe and dream.

It was quiet enough to feel the love.

1 MONTH ALREADY? WTF?

2008-07-17T21:43:00.005-07:00

A walk at miracle beach with our little miracle.
Ruby loves her retro olive green snuggly ...and her daddy.
And for those of you who asked about fur baby number two, Mabel... She is adjusting to our human baby nicely too. As long as we don't forget that she is the real baby. In fact, at 10 lbs, Ruby out weighs Miss Mabel already.

Interesting new mom facts.

1) I practiced pumping milk for the first time yesterday. It was fun. A little creepy-but fun.

2) I changed three consecutive poop explosion diapers in a row while my baby screamed, pissed on me and milk streamed down from my leaking tatas...soaking me entirely. Needless to say, I had to tag out after that one.

3) We had our second to last midwives appointment. Boo Hoo.

4) Part of this blog was written with two fingers, on my lappy, over top of my nursing baby. Look at me go!

my baby is so hot right now

2008-07-12T20:28:00.004-07:00

My little tamale is so hot right now. Our house is old and it is hot. Our back yard is hot. We are all hot.

She is not happy about being hot. She does not like cool baths and the cold compresses aren't winning any popularity contests either...

Side note:
Question: How fun is wearing a pad 24/7 in the heat?
Answer: Wicked awesome fun! Woot! I feel ever so fresh and sexy.

Any hoo...
The good news is that although she is ornery right now, (No, I am not ignoring her, it's the Hubster's turn) and on most evenings from 6 to midnight-ish... she has blessed us with a couple of long night time sleeps. In the last few nights she has slept bouts of 4 1/2, 5 and once even 6 hours! I know, right?

I am trying not to get my hopes up about this sleeping business, but it has been a nice treat.

Other great news:

1)It seems fur baby number one loves human baby number one as much as we do. No, this picture was not a set up. And, what's even cuter...After Stanley went about licking her hands, we asked him if he loves baby Ruby and he started wagging his tail. Awwww...
2) I had my first Gin and Tonic in ten months. YUMMY!

So, all is well here with our little family. Our 4 week check up with the midwife is on Tuesday. I can't believe how fast time is flying.

I am savoring every moment.
Yes, even the hot, ornery ones.

Ruby~ 3 weeks. Just in case you were wondering...this photo of a super bundled up baby was not taken on a hot day. Dang BC weather! You were probably thinking, "No wonder she's pissed, Lisa, ya moron...Look at the freakin' parka you have her in!"

3 weeks

2008-07-08T18:00:00.005-07:00

Yesterday, for the first time since my precious daughter was born, I felt human.

Not that I had been feeling at all bad. In fact, quite the opposite is true. I've been completely blissed out. Blissed out and freakin' tired. So tired that other humans...the ones apart from the Hubs and wee Ruby, just didn't make sense.
And by that I mean: I was not able to make any sense out of normal human conversation or interaction. I was unable to formulate any sort of sentences of my own or follow any sort of plot line. I've had the attention span of a gnat.

For example: Since the day I went into labour, a juicy little copy of "Life and Style" magazine lay unopened on my coffee table.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday I socialized, napped, ran errands and read literature that was completely non baby related. Today has been fairly normal too.
Could it be that I am adjusting to motherhood?

Weird.

Ruby is 3 weeks old. But really, it seems like one long day/night since she arrived in our life. I can't imagine life without her.

She is so freakin' cute. She loves The Boobie and is a nursing champion. Not surprising seeing as her dad and I are both real foodies. In fact , apart from having not mastered the art of graceful public breast feeding, the two of us seem to have developed an awesome system. She is thriving and so far my nipples have been up for the challenge. We are both very lucky.

She also loves going for drives and walks in her Bob stroller. She loves it when Nicholas plays the guitar. She usually loves her Ergo Baby and the vibrating Fisher Price Chair that our friend Christina lent us.She likes pooping. She likes sleeping but sometimes has a hard time figuring out how to make that happen. We are trying to help her in that department.

So far she is not to keen on baths, slings or getting changed. She does not like having a wet diaper, which is good because she lets us know right away when she needs to be changed. Oh, and for those of you who were asking: she wears kushies cloth diapers from the Cinderella Diaper Service.

So far the cloth diapers are great. They do leak a bit , especially when she has a big blow out of curried oatmeal poop soup, but I think they're going to be okay. It seems that since she has gained a bit of weight, they are leaking less.

As far as my postpartum physique is concerned...
Whoa... Or: Dude, where's my body? I'm not even going to get into it right now because it wouldn't be right. But when the time is right you'll be hearing all about it. The up side is that I have cleavage for the first time in my life.

My midwife hasn't given me clearance for restarting my exercise routines yet and cutting down on the eating is most certainly not an option for the nursing (read: ravenous) mother. Needless to say, I won't be wearing a bikini this summer ...

I guess I am destined to wear my stretchy black yoga pants for a little while longer.

Even for me and my silly ego...
It's worth it.

All in all, we have been blessed.
And I do believe that Ruby is a good baby. Everyone asks me if she's good and I always say, "I think so".

Of course, I have no point of reference.
Either way, she's ours and we love her.

Our Precious.
Our Ruby.

a pound of love

2008-07-05T19:34:00.004-07:00

Ruby is just over two weeks old now.
So much magic ... so little time.
Little things happen each moment that are so special. So blogworthy.
And yet there is no time for blogging. Heck, there's no time for sleeping or pooping either.

Our little family is existing in a total dream state. Some where between boob drunk and love drunk.

I imagine in a week or two I'll be able to put to words all of this joy.
I'll be writing endless posts about cloth diapers, developmental milestones and my awesome BOB stroller. I'll be filling webland with adorable anecdotes and frustrated ramblings.

But in the mean time, let me just tell me about two things that cause my heart to burst:

1) My precious baby gained over a pound in one week.

2) My precious husband wrote us a song.

Am I the luckiest girl in the world or what?

37 hours

2008-06-30T21:40:00.006-07:00

37 hours, or how my baby came to me

At 3:30 am on Sunday morning I felt what I thought were too strong to be Braxton Hicks. I waited an hour or so, the whole time listening. Listening for my body to whisper to me, “It’s time.”

I felt an uncorking of sorts and of course there was the undeniable sploosh of waters into the toilet.

It was time.

I called for my husband. The giddy anticipation of over two years trying to conceive caused us to burst with joy and excitement. We phoned my mom and his parents. This was probably the only time in my entire labour that the contractions were mild enough to sleep but the adrenaline surge had my mind and body on high. We ate, got our bags organized and started timing contractions. We figured it would be mid afternoon, perhaps still daylight when we left for the hospital.

My contractions continued to be fairly mild, yet frequent and distracting, throughout most of Father’s Day. They never really fell into a solid pattern. When we finally called the midwife to let her know what was going on she was surprised. I guess when your water breaks you’re supposed to call. Ooops. She came over at around 6pm and had a peek.

1 cm dilated.

She called again around 10pm and decided it would be best to spend the night. Just in case.
We figured we’d be going to the hospital in the middle of the night.

I spent most of Sunday night awake, standing with my forehead pressed firmly against my bedroom wall. My contractions were strong enough that I needed to breath, be rubbed and, for some reason, stand against the wall. My midwife came to check on me and the baby every so often.

By morning, I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept and wasn’t really able to eat. After another check we discovered that I was something like 1.5 or 2 cm. Apparently, not the best sign. It had been over 24 hours and not much was happening in the uterus opening up department.

When we discussed our options with the midwife, going to the hospital to have my labour augmented seemed like the best idea. Our midwife called ahead to give them a heads up. I found out later that the OB on shift, after hearing our story, did not think I’d be likely to have a vaginal birth. Did I mention that the baby’s head still wasn’t fully engaged? I’m glad no one told me about either of these two facts. My midwife later told me that she likes to keep an open mind about these things….love her.

When we arrived at the hospital at 8am on Monday morning, I was set up on cordless monitors. One for me and one for the baby. The OB said the good news was that, “Yes, I was in labour and I was experiencing contractions. The bad news was that, with Pitocin, they were about to get a lot stronger.”

And they did.

I tried other positions and techniques but my very strange love for the head against the wall continued to be the best bet. The Hubs continued to be a super star stroking and comforting me. When my midwife arrived she saw that we had a system going and decided to make tea for everyone. Our nurse was awesome too. She kept it light with chatter and jokes about how I had been bad girl and that is why I needed to stand facing the corner of the room. In fact, every one was really nice to me…getting me ginger ale, popsicles and juice.

I had now been on my feet for over 30 hours and my legs were getting quite sore. At some point we hit the shower but that just wasn’t working for me. It might have been the fact that the freakin’ water kept going from boiling to freezing- not exactly soothing. As the contractions got more intense, (pitocin caused my contractions to “couple” or come 2 at time-which is nice) I felt myself leave my body. I was aware of the pain and the goings on in the room but I was somehow removed from the situation. I was in an endorphin haze. Just me, my wall and my whimpering.

At some point a nurse came into the room and stated, "Your mom is here." I barely stirred from my trance to reply, "No she's not."

Right before transition, somewhere around 35 hours in, I was offered pain relief. Fentanyl. It wasn’t the first time it was offered. But, it was the first time that it seemed like a really good idea. Mostly I took it because I was tired of standing, and until that point standing was all I could do to help myself. When I said I thought I might like to try some medication my midwife said something like “You think?” with a smile. It was at this point that she also started to spoon feed me yellow Jell-O between contractions. Have I mentioned how much I love her?

After the medication, I was able to lay on my side and “rest” a bit between contractions. However, I was just about to start transition…which I remember as one big panting, whining and whimpering fest - funny, because I always imagined myself to be more of a trash talker- but no, I was a low moaner.

The hubs said this was the hardest part for him because I was in so much pain. Again I have some memory of the pain, I know it was extremely intense, but at the same time it was so surreal. So unlike any other kind of pain I’ve experienced or imagined.

Then came my overwhelming urge to push. It was too soon and I was instructed to wait. I had to pee. Of course everyone came with me to the washroom because I guess that going to the toilet is a labouring woman’s sneaky subconscious way of starting to push. I wasn’t able to pee but I did want to push. When I returned to the bed my body started pushing on it’s own even though I was doing that crazy no-push panting style breathing. Crazy!

Everyone said “STOP pushing!” When I swore that I wasn’t, my midwife checked me again. I think I was 8.5cm. “Okay, I guess it’s time to push”, she said.

It was finally time to have my baby.

The coordination of the pushing was tricky at first. And it burned…but in a good way. I knew we were close. I remember being hesitant to push really hard at first because the harder I pushed the more it hurt.

But then, I felt my baby’s head. Wow. And, on each push our nurse and midwife sculpted the baby’s hair into various hairstyles and made jokes about how good the Mohawk they created looked. They asked us to guess the sex. They asked us what our baby names were….

At 4:50 pm on Monday June 16th, after what seemed like no time, at all I was pulling my baby up on to my chest. The Hubs was cutting the cord and just like that we became a family.

“It’s a baby!” we cried. Several moments passed before we were told our baby was a girl.

Ruby.

There was a brief interruption of the love fest. I had to get up onto the squat bar and really work to get my placenta out because after my Ruby was born my body stopped contracting. This didn’t hurt, but I was tired and I just wanted to be with my new family. Luckily, it didn’t take long and afterwards Ruby was placed on my chest while I was stitched up. My midwife said I wouldn’t have torn except that at the last minute Ruby decided to come out with her hand next to her head. When everyone cleared out of the room, Ruby nursed for ages while we stared in awe at the life we made.

Perfection.

We had the entire maternity ward to ourselves that night and we were very well cared for. Perhaps too cared for at times…I think about 5 different people checked the condition of my hoo hoo. When we debriefed our birth with our midwife the next day she said we did very well. She told me everything that was going on behind the scenes and how the choices I made were intelligent and well timed. She told me she didn’t think many people could push a baby down as far as I did. She said she thought we are excellent candidates for a home birth next time.

She asked us how we felt about our experience.

We told her it was intense but positive.
We told her we felt good.

Really.
Really.
Good.

a little taste of love

2008-06-27T20:20:00.003-07:00

~RUBY~
One Day Old

~RUBY~
One Week Old

9 days

2008-06-26T14:42:00.002-07:00

Ruby is 9 days old.

We love her more than anything in this world.

I have the Hubster retell me our birth story every night.
So I don't forget a single detail.
So I can relive the intense and wonderful experience.
So I can savour our special miracle.

I long to blog about it...

But, one thing is for sure:
When you've struggled with infertility~you are not the only one who has been waiting almost 3 years for your baby to arrive.

We have been overwhelmed with love, homemade dinners and gifts.
And, there have been hoards of visitors, friends and family.

Some days this is awesome...
Some days this leaves me tired and emotional...

I am learning to tell people I need time with my new family.
Time for love.
Time for quiet.
Time to remember.

Time to savour our own unique miracle.
Ruby.

Because she is only 9 days old.
Because she is already 9 days old.

RE: baby on the outside

2008-06-18T18:26:00.004-07:00

Her name is Ruby Elizabeth.

She was 7lbs 8oz.
She looks like the Hubs.
Like an angel.

She was born at 4:50 pm on June 16th.
She has a full head of hair.

And, for those of you math types...
Yes, that was 37 hours of labour.
But more on that later...

We love her.
She is perfect.

What an intense and wonderful miracle.
Our family.
At last.

It ain't over until the fat lady sings...

2008-06-15T19:44:00.002-07:00

An update:

Not much to report around these parts.
The midwife popped by at around 6:30pm.
I was a whopping 1cm dialated.

Woot!

This is pretty normal for a first time mom.
We'll be here for a while.

Oh well.

We've waited 3 years for this baby...what's another few hours.
Or days...

Sploosh

2008-06-15T11:58:00.003-07:00

I woke up.
It was 3:30am.

My contractions seemed a little more involved than the usual Braxton Hicks.
Was this a reason to be concerned? Excited?
I lay still for a while listening to my body. My back ached a bit and I felt a bit premenstrual.

The baby's head went bump bump bump on my cervix and I felt a little pop.
I walked to the bathroom and sat on the toilet.

Sploosh.

My waters? I looked in to the toilet to see what I could spy: water and a crimson swirl. And, red on the toilet paper.

I called my Hubster. I think it's happening...

It is now noon and we are chillaxing in the living room. We are trying to stay fairly mellow. Not waste any energy. I think it's going to be a long day. Or two.

We've been timing the contractions on and off.
I've been resting,eating,drinking, reading,chatting, surfing and changing my soggy monster pads every so often. The Hubster went out for snacks and my friend Chanti dropped of a care package.

I called our midwife and she is very excited. So far my contractions are quite frequent but not very intense. She is going to check on us later.

I think this is really happening...

Here's Hoping...

Just in case...

2008-06-10T11:17:00.002-07:00

With my increasing Braxton Hicks contractions, my thoughts are on a constant cycle that revolves around the birth of our much anticipated first child.

Today's topic: Beds and amniotic fluid. Friends or foes?

Several weeks ago I placed two thick towels under my side of the bed.
Just in case...

However, after consulting with my friend Jen who said, "I can not stress enough how much fluid comes out of there..."

And my midwife, who said, "You're going to need a mop and bucket when this one goes..."

We started to reconsider our mattress saving tactics.
I mean, we've already replaced it once this year when our precious little Mabel decided to use our boudoir of love as her own personal pee pee palace.

Enter the duct tape, safety pins and garbage bags!

The Hubs and I had quite a bit of fun with this little set up.
First, we split open the bag and reinforced the edges with tape. Then, we skillfully pined the tightly pulled edges to the mattress. This, of course, was followed by a generous helping of duct tape.

On top of our black Hefty bag we placed, the thickest, nastiest, washable, fleece blanket we own. We secured this with more pins and more tape and proudly concealed the lot beneath our innocent looking bed linens.

The result?

Sweating. A whole crap load of sweating.
Surprisingly though, much less crinkling than I anticipated.
And, a lot less bunchy than the towels...

They say that 15% of women have their waters break before labour begins. If I am one of them...I think our mattress has at least a small chance of survival.

Live from the Belly Top

2008-06-07T20:16:00.003-07:00

This post is coming to you live directly from the comfort of my very own bed!

That's right folks~ The Hubster is an angel.
I am blogging from my new, extremely pretty, laptop.

The Hubster has been trying to talk me into this purchase for awhile. I've resisted because although my computer is ancient, there is nothing specifically wrong with it. It is big and it is slow. Hey, so am I.

I've always felt a little creepy about getting new stuff. Stuff in general gives me the willies. And although I love spendorphins as much as the next gal, I've never fully made peace with my inner consumer. My opinions, and my price limit changed, however, when I saw my future lappy's lusty, metallic brown colour and sexy graphic design - Can you say sucker for marketing much?

This whole steamy affair came about because The Hubs doesn't like me going up and down the sketchy, steep, asking for an injury, basement stairs in my present state. To be totally honest neither do I.

The fact that I haven't checked my email in a week pretty much sums up the true desperation of the situation. Basically, I came around to liking the idea of a laptop (or belly top if you're 38 weeks pregnant) when I considered I'll be home all of next year with an infant.

Yikes!

I'm not much of a TV watcher...and I highly doubt that I'll get clearance to cart the wee one up and down the stairs...just so I can read blogs and surf the web. Only when I am not tending to my child, working out vigorously, cleaning the house, or preparing wholesome meals for my husband -of course!

So, now... the pregnancy report.
Or, as my friend Chanti calls it, Baby Watch 2008:

I am still pregnant. Very much so indeed. I will be 38 weeks on Monday and both my midwife and I agree that this little babe could very well come early.
I am trying not to get too excited about that idea as I know most first time moms deliver later rather than earlier.

My urine was clear of sugar this week, my iron stores are good and my blood pressure is still normal. My midwife is happy that I stopped work and she gave me the green light on swimming right up until I give birth. Unfortunately, my favourite pool is closed for maintenance so I've been testing out a few others in town.

The baby is a good size and is in position. I've been getting Braxton Hicks like nobodies business and I am not sleeping. When I walk , it feels like my baby is just barely being held in by my hoo hoo. I've started to get other cramps and pains in my lady parts too.

Although I am exhausted and uncomfortable, I am excited. We will be having a baby soon and that totally blows my mind.

Like, totally freakin' blows it!

No work, all play....

2008-05-29T14:04:00.003-07:00

While I haven't exactly been nesting...

I have been enjoying my time off of work. I've been reading, resting, swimming, napping (2 hours a day!), daydreaming, baking (Okay-baking is a little nest-ish...but it's been strictly for eating purposes. Plus, I haven't cleaned a thing), playing with friends and generally messing about.

Walking and moving about is getting increasingly more difficult but so far that hasn't hindered the good times!

On the Victoria Day long weekend The Hubster casted my belly:

I finished my baby's quilt:

And, my friend Christina took some fun photos of my very pregnant self:

Other than that, I've just been trying to spend my time getting into "The Zone". At the end of this week I'll be 37 weeks which pretty much means a baby could pop out at any second and that we'll be parents soon!
It is so freakin' unfathomable.

I am so excited.
I am so excited.
I am so excited.

We've been learning a lot lately too. On top of our reading and chatting with experienced friends, we've been attending classes like it's nobodies business!

On Tuesday, we went to a class that covered information on Newborn care and last night we went to an acupressure for pain relief class. Next week, I am going to attend a breastfeeding class.

I also had an ultrasound the other day!

It was awesome. Apparently, our little walrus seedling is doing just fine. His/her size is totally normal (not huge like we all thought)... approximately 6lbs 4oz so far.

He/she has all the proper bits and is behaving in an appropriate manner. All of my organs and baby nourishing bits are functioning well too. We still didn't want to be told the sex. However, our the ultrasound technician informed us that she saw a full head of hair! Indeed, we too could see little wisps of hair flowing and floating gracefully in the amniotic fluid!

How cool is that!?

Isn't technology swell!

I have a midwives appointment tomorrow- I can't wait!
I think from now until The Big Day- I am on the once a week schedule!

I'll keep you posted.

Belly Quakes

2008-05-18T16:20:00.004-07:00

Nicholas got to feel it for the first time yesterday morning: A belly quake.

What it feels like: the baby has some how managed to smuggle a catapult into my womb and then uses it to fling itself with an immense amount of power against the side of my uterus.

How it affects those of us on the outside: This little quake will actually rock my body like a wave and cause the surface I am resting on, to shake.

WILD!

In other news, I spent a lovely mother's day with my momma at April Point Spa on Quadra Island. We ate, pedicured and lay on the bed gossiping and staring at the wildlife, ocean and rain. It was heaven. I was able to hear stories of my momma's child birth experiences and about how she dealt with the joys and challenges of being a new mom.
Love her.

My midwife appointment this week was good. She ordered an ultrasound just to check on the size of dear junior and to check fluid levels. There was a small issue over blood sugar levels in my urine but after a day with a busted monitor and a couple of normal pee sticks, we decided to chalk the whole ordeal up to the huge glass of cranberry juice I had before my appointment and call it a day. No more fruit juice is easier than jabbing myself and monitoring sugar levels.
Love my midwives

Starting next week, I get to see them every week! I love my appointments so much~ what's going to happen when I am no longer pregnant. I'll miss those ladies.

Speaking of my pregnancy. I am on the brink of my final month. Our prenatal classes are complete, my prenatal yoga classes are done, we've had our hospital tour...We even have most of the shwag we'll need to welcome a squirming pooper into our home. It's all going so fast...Next thing you know the expiry dates on the milk in the grocery store will be displaying dates beyond my own...

I just want to savour every last minute of it. I realize I may be singing a different tune, for various reasons, four weeks from now- but please humour me experienced mommas. At least we still have a newborn class, an acupressure workshop and a Baby first aid course to attend. And, of course, my beloved trips to the pool will continue.
Whew.

Yes, we're huge dorks.

But I've saved the juiciest tid bit for last.
The most exciting news of the day is....

Drum roll please...

Friday was my last day of work!

WOOT!

It was a tough decision to make. Making the mental switch is going to be tricky for me -but good. It was the right thing to do. My body was ready. It's tired. I will miss the excitement, creativity and my co-workers but... I am ready and excited to start the shift in my reality.

It's time.

I guess the only thing left to do now is day dream and wait for my little life love to arrive.

Some people claim that I will have the urge to clean my house. Interesting.

I'll keep you posted.

Belly Shy

2008-05-04T14:53:00.005-07:00

(32 weeks)

I love being pregnant!
I really do.

Even though I am big
Even though I am slow.
Even though my commitment to Kegals is improving,
I still leak a little pee pee now and then.

I love it!

What I don't love though... Is the unfairness.
The unfairness that so many mommas are out there waiting for their turn. Waiting for the two pink lines, the cellulite, the bellies... the love.

More and more often I run into people -both in real life and in Blog land- (by the way, go cheer on Dr.Grumbles and her little life) who have been lucky: adoptions have gone trough, IVF treatments have been successful, or time has finally caught up with want and life has been created.

But every once in a while I run in to myself.
My former self.

Last week, I ran in to her at the market. She is a lovely woman who I know wants to be, and would make an excellent mama. A women I haven't seen since becoming pregnant myself. A woman who eyed my bulbous belly with equal parts joy and sorrow.

"Oh, you've finally got one!" she exclaimed tears welling up in her eyes.

"Yes. Yes I do." Pride, love, guilt and sadness fill my chest.

When I return home, I cry.
I cry for her, for me, for everyone who has ever lost or felt the longing for a child.

I wish I could fix it.

I do what I can:

I love the baby inside me more than anything...
I spend all my energy dreaming about and loving the life growing inside me.
I love you baby~

I love you.

steak on the brain

2008-04-27T13:27:00.003-07:00

I am big and slow...
and I've got steak on the brain.

I need meat. Red meat. At least once a week.
To balance all this carnivorous action, however, I am doing yoga.
I even do the chanting~I think I am the only one apart from the teacher brave enough to do it.

I am a brave, pregnant, meat eating yogi.
I am proud.
And I am huge.

I am still feeling good.
I am swollen and slow ~ but good.
I am trying to take good care of myself.
I am starting to accept the fact that I wont make it until the end of the year-work wise. I am starting to detach and to wind down. I am getting organized.
I am turning inwards and I am preparing for my new life.

I have mixed feelings about the end drawing near.
I feel so ready in some ways, and so not ready in others.
I am excited to meet our baby.
I am giddy with the lovely idea of having some of my regular body's ability to move about gracefully on dry land- I've actually been dreaming about riding my bike. Thankfully, my walrus-like physique continues to thrive in an aquatic setting.

But, truth be told, I absolutely love being pregnant.
I love being my baby's home. I cherish our closeness and I think I will miss "baby on the inside" a lot when this beautiful process is over...

Plus, the whole idea of "baby on the outside", of birthing an actual real baby is a little more than intense. To say the chapter on labour and delivery in my baby book was a gripping page turner would be a dramatic understatement.

Holy Crap! My body is going to do what? Of course, I've known all along... We've been attending prenatal classes and I've been listening to all of my girlfriends' birth stories. It's just that in spite of all this knowledge the miracle of birth never ceases to amaze me.

I am simply in awe of what women can do!

I think, when the time comes, my body will do what it needs to do.

Like our birth educator said, "I'd be a very wealthy woman if I taught classes that explained how painless and simple child birth was....But, birth will probably be the most difficult,
most important,
and most wonderful thing you'll ever do."

Here's Hoping...

Wet Suits and Water Works

2008-04-17T12:18:00.004-07:00

So I guess I have officially entered The Crying for no Reason stage of my pregnancy.

It is kind of fun.

I say it is fun because I am generally very happy, and, sometimes I remain in a great mood throughout my crying spells.

I must have had a hormone dump last weekend because I had three lovely cries all in a row.

Friday: I cried after some lovin' with my hubby. I cried 'cause I love him so much. I cried because I'm worried that my lady parts will never be the same after the birth of our child and that some how this will impact our relationship.

Saturday: I cried because after some "look at how I can make my belly shake" showing off and silliness, my usually active baby walrus, was very still.
I was afraid that I'd gone and ruined everything all for a little show. It wasn't until the baby kicked on the way to the grocery store that the bouts of tears finally stopped. I am NOT going to play that game again!

Sunday: I cried as I watched a fantastic nature show. I cried as I watched the mother walrus give birth to her calf. I cried as I watched her nurse her calf in the cool, calm, blue of the Arctic Ocean. I knew better to stick around to witness the arrival of the hungry polar bear to the walrus colony. Lets just say there aren't enough Kleenex in the world to help me through had I stuck around ...

So, yes, a bit sensitive these days...but in a good way.

I've even decided to interpret my reoccurring dreams about my husband leaving me as a sign that I just need to love him up now. Because, if all the stars are aligned and our wildest dreams finally come true, there will be a new love interest in our lives very soon. A very high maintenance little love interest that is likely to create a bit of space between the tight twosome that is the hubster and me.

Lets turn now to the topic of Fluid shall we?

To say that I am retaining water is probably a bit of an understatement. My stumpy little legs, at times, look like they are the same width from stem to root. It is not the look so much that bothers me-it is the fact that my tiny size 5 feet are burn-y and sore.

Some days, I feel like I am wearing a wet suit that is filled with water.
And when you think about it, I probably am.

The good news is that I visited my midwife yesterday and she said I am still looking quite healthy and good. She thinks my highish weight gain is due to water, increased blood volume, a little extra amniotic fluid and perhaps just a tad of padding- for milk production when my hungry little baby comes.

My blood pressure is normal and the baby's heart beat sounds good. The baby's is head down-although a few more twists and turns at this stage would be normal. I am still measuring a little large...33cm at 30 weeks but we're not worried about that because our little baby doesn't appear to be ginormous.

We started talking about our birth and I think I would like to do most of my labouring at home and then move to the hospital for the birth. I am going to need to research this idea bit more... what would that car ride look like?

It's just that I can't picture hanging out in the hospital for hours and hours nor am I completely comfortable with the idea of a home birth. We are going to go for a hospital tour soon. That should help with my visualizations. So should the prenatal classes that start this week.

We are both pleased with my increased athleticism: swimming and yoga. And I felt like a proud momma when I described my baby's feats: responding to my husband's guitar playing and an African drumming show I saw, pushing pack when I push my belly and of course those adorable hiccups.

Finally, we talked about work.

She told me she doesn't like to tell people what to do but if she had her way all women would stop working a month before they are due. She thinks this helps to prepare, switch gears, reflect and possibly avoid late pregnancy complications. I am very keen on stopping work at the end of May. My goal in the next two weeks is to try and figure out the best plan (organizing different leaves, finances and subs to finish the year with my students) to make this happen for my baby and me.

After all, My little walrus pod...
It's all about you.

I love you.

Momma Walrus in her training Wetsuit
Summer 2006

Princess Rotunda Ruler of the Happy Walruses

2008-04-13T13:44:00.003-07:00

What A difference a week makes! A week! Seriously, and the baby walrus seedling inside me seems to have, at least, doubled its girth!

This was a good/slash tiring week for me. I was exhausted after each day of work and my legs, feet, hand and arms have been quite swollen. I started to have my first realistic glimpses of my current situtation.

I am knocked up!

For Real!

Perhaps, working to the end of the year, which falls several days after my official due date, might not be such a realistic goal.

Or, a good idea even.

When I went into my boss' office to discuss these concerns (which I was nervous to do) he simply chuckled.

"What were you planning on doing? Calling us on the morning of and announcing that you aren't coming in because you're having a baby?"....

"Ummmm. Yah."

Needless to say, he was very supportive. He suggested that I reconsider this idea and encouraged me when I mentioned I may need a few " stay home and keep my feet up days" in the coming weeks.

I am starting to allow myself to disconnect from my work life a bit and it is getting easier. But the fact is, I love my job. It's all I've known. Sure, I bitch and complain about work like every one else but it is going to be hard to leave my"family" and my work life. When I explained this to my boss he just said that I had plenty of excitement to look forward to in the coming months and work will be the last thing on my mind.

I know it.

And I am excited and ever so grateful.

Strangely, the fact that I am soooo freaking excited about meeting my baby is one of the reasons why I am apprehensive about taking leave prematurely.
Can you imagine the anticipation?

And, knowing me, the anxiety and mind sillies that would come along with being at home for several weeks...

I think I will consult with my midwife on the appropriate timing of my leave. What about you ladies? When did you/are you taking your leaves?

In other news: Still loving my weekly swims and I am looking forward to my prenatal yoga classes.

Also, I seem to be developing a very romantic/needy/lusty/emotional attachment to my hubster.

Thankfully, he is very loyal to his princess ruler and quite attracted to my sealioness-like physique!

The start of my 30th week!

2008-04-06T13:42:00.004-07:00

Monday marks the start of the 30th week of my pregnancy!

Wow! Does time ever fly when you've got a bun in the oven.
Every day, as I feel my little critter move about, I think to myself, this can't be the only time I experience this! This can't be the only time I'm pregnant! It is simply SO FREAKING MAGICAL! The other day, when I pushed on a little body part within my belly -It pushed back! WHOA!

I love being pregnant!

Of course, I may change my tune 10 weeks from now when I am squeezing a human being out my little lady bits. Yikes! I guess it's time to start mentally preparing for that event.

Now that I am in my third trimester, I am going to get to see my midwife a lot more frequently. Every two weeks. This is exciting because I adore going to the midwives. It is so comfy and homey there. On my last visit,I was measuring a little large for date. My fundal height was 31 even though I was only 28 weeks pregnant. Apparently, the baby may have experienced a growth spurt. She is going to check me again next Tuesday when I go for my appointment.

I am experiencing a bit of swelling. Or, as my friend Kata and I like to say...I've got Cankles! It's not too nasty yet, but it is a tad bit uncomfortable. Also, when my fingers swell up like little cocktail sausages...I feel a bit silly. According to our midwives, because my blood pressure is nice and low, this swelling is all normal. Strangely enough, my crazy-ass pregnancy weight gain is normal too - How big can one 5ft 2" little lady get?
Apparently -QUITE BIG!

In other news, in addition to working full time, (Which is another thing I've been wanting to reconsider lately-working is freaking HARD when you are pregnant!)I have been swimming once a week. And, I just signed up for prenatal yoga. Very exciting. I am hoping to make some new friends. I love making friends!

I see the midwife again next week and our prenatal classes start on April 23. It seems like we really are going to have a baby soon. We have been getting quite giddy. I attached a picture of our nursery/storage/guest room in progress. We think it's swell. Our neighbour gave us that gorgeous crib! After much debate we've decided that it would be best to keep, rather than return, the "transformer" playpen because...who knows? We will probably need it.

Also, after much research and after canvassing friends and strangers I think we've decided that the Bob stroller is the way to go. No need to buy it just yet-but it sure is fun to test drive.

In other news, our smallest dog, Mabel -the bitch- peed on our couch!
What the fuck? I guess she's trying to prepare us for the chaos of babies and raising a family. It just sucks 'cause we bought that couch with our wedding money -it's our first and only real piece of adult furniture.

In the grand scheme of life and the universe it is no big deal...but come on Mabel! Don't pee on our stuff!

Important side note: See the play "Mom's the Word". You'll laugh, cringe and cry. You'll be moved. You'll be proud to be a woman. A mom.
Think Vagina monologues meets pregnancy blogs. It is awesome.

Oh, and this is funny, our neighbour asked Nicholas if I was in the "angry walrus" stage of pregnancy yet.

He answered no. (because he's a good boy)

I'll let you all know if I get there...
but for now -
I am a happy walrus.

Return of the naughty blogger

2008-03-21T09:59:00.005-07:00

I am back!

I am big and I am round and I have a few somewhat interesting pregnancy related facts and gossip to share!

So lets skip the the excuses about my hectic and glamorous life and get right down to the good stuff. Are we ready or what?

First of all, all of my fears about not really being pregnant are starting to subside. This is due to four recent developments:

1) I am so large that even my maternity clothes are getting tight. Yes, even the ones I went especially to the large mall in a nearby town to buy less that a month ago. Since my last blog in fact! Yikes, and I still have 3 months to go! Also, my tatas have gone from an A cup to a C cup. Woot! I hooked myself up with a couple of nasty looking but comfy bras the other day -the Hubs was supportive, searching out sizes and making suggestions, as I tried on about a dozen white beasties. However, I admit he looked a little less than aroused.

2) There is definitely someone in there! Someone who likes to dance and party. Someone who is eager to work on his or her gymnastics routines,synchronized swimming pieces and kick boxing stunts all day long. Someone who likes to kick or head but my little rib cage. Someone who likes to bear down on my bladder so there is always just the littlest bit of pee pee leaking out of me. Lovely, I know... By the way, what's the deal with Kegals? Should I be doing them? I don't really get them...discuss.

3) I have developed my own signature waddle. It's unique and very Next
Top Model-esque. Or should I say Next Top Waddle...

4) I can't see my Foo.

Apart from all that, you'd never guess I was knocked up!

None of these are complaints mind you...it's all good. The worst it gets is when I am having one of my, I don't feel pretty days, (boo hoo, poor little vain girl) but we all have those days.

Some other exciting news is that I passed my Glucose Tolerance Test. I was a bit worried because of my sordid love affair with sugar and my PCOS symptoms. I took the test a couple of weeks ago and the midwife called to say my results are normal. I will ask for details when we go to see her on Tuesday. Also, I've woken up with a little bit puffy hands the last couple of days and I want to make sure that it's all within the normal realm of pregnant lady swelling and not anything to fret about.

Speaking of fretting... my dreams have been BIZARRE!! There have been quite a few nightmares and a few frustrating -style dreams. However, Loren, you'll be interested to know, that I too have experienced two spontaneous orgasms during my sleep. The weird thing is the dreams I've been having at the time (because I've woken up on both occasions) are completely non-sexual. Weird. I am left feeling a bit crampy but I've decided that my body must know what it's up to.

Oh, and the shopping flood gates have opened. The hubster and I went on an impromptu shopping spree after dinner last Tuesday night. We bought a cute little car seat that has jungle animals all over it. I had to take it out of the box when we got home just so that I could stare at it. Also, I must touch it at least once a day. Usually before work.

We also bought, what we have loving nicknamed, the "Transformer". It is a bassinet, playpen, change station combo. We are hoping that it will work for us because our house is tiny. We have been offered full sized cribs by several friends... so we'll see.

We are still researching our stroller options. We haven't decided if we want to buy a fancy one or a sturdy, yet cheaper model. Ahhh... decisions. Reality is that we wont need a stroller for months but it's all so exciting for us!

Speaking of exciting, our friend Christina, who has a couple of kids, unleashed me into her garage of accumulated and no longer needed baby shwag. I snapped up a vibrating chair, a play mat, a jolly jumper and several infant toys... So much fun! Where we'll put all this stuff is still a mystery to me at this point.

In conclusion, The hubster and I are currently enjoying some time off work.
We do plan on arranging the baby/storage/guest room during this time. We're not talking a thematic and picturesque nursery or anything...just somewhere to make our love child feel safe, snuggled and warm.

I just know that once we're back at work, it will be June in no time! Yahoo!

Today is sunny and Spring is definitely in the air. Summer may be several months away but you can almost taste the sun's rays.

We just returned from our annual spring surf, eat, read and snuggle trip to Tofino. Of course I didn't surf this year, the bump and I bundled up in a blanket and two puffer jackets and watched my little surfer babe do his thing.

I must say that I feel refreshed blessed.

I feel like I've been kissed by the sun.

26 weeks
Hot surfer husband

pink sweaters and swimsuits

2008-03-02T15:49:00.006-08:00

I went swimming today.

It was lovely.
Floaty, a bit awkward and certainly not the most athletic event of my lifetime...but lovely.

My body rolled, bobbed and chugged through the water like a slow and happy tug boat. I was weightless, and surprisingly enough, even though my pace was slow, I felt like I was getting a nice bit of exercise. Remember, I haven't done much beyond going to work and walking the dogs since my cramping incident several weeks ago.The most interesting bit of information to be noted due to my little aquatic foray is that, yes...

I was wearing a swimsuit.
And so my story begins:

Monday, I was wearing a newly acquired pink striped sweater.
I love it ,my husband loves it, but apparently, according to a not so tactful co-worker, it makes me look "Big".

Well as you know, women in general don't like to be called "Big" and even though my bigness is wonderful - I don't particularly love being told how much bigger I am that the other pregnant ladies on staff.

We're all different are we not?

And for those of you who gained 6 or 11 pounds during your pregnancies...good on you! But you're freaks. Sorry, I mean, you're exceptional and I don't particularly want to hear about it as a plough into my 10lb lunch bag, thank you very much.

Cute side note: I went to the dentist on Monday too. My hygienist was a sweety and she decided to confide in me that she was 8 weeks pregnant. She hasn't even told her mom! It made the plaque scrapage a little more bearable.

Tuesday was a great day. We had our midwives appointment and got to meet the third midwife at our clinic. She was awesome.

While there, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat:160bpm.
Also, the baby was moving around a lot. (You can even see my belly move now-it is so cool!) My blood pressure is nice and low and my uterus was measuring 23.5cm. All good.

I will be taking the 3 hour glucose tolerance test some time in the next week or so. I am not super excited about it but I think it's important for me.

We also made some of the first decisions regarding what will happen when our baby is on "the outside".Weird!

Yes to vitamin K and Heal prick test.

No to circumcision and eye drops. Because I highly doubt that with the way my sex life has been rockin' lately that I'm likely to pick up syphilis and/or gonorrhea between now and June.

Oh, and we're to register at the hospital soon. Exciting!

All this and, I've gained 10lbs in the last month! My midwife said this without batting an eye so perhaps it's normal.

When I asked about resuming my fitness walks?- no.
Swimming and yoga? -yes.
Intercourse- with caution, and perhaps a condom.

A condom?!

By Thursday I must have been ripe with hormones because I was having mega self image issues. All explainable and mostly ignored. I even managed to shrug off my momma's comment that my new pink sweater isn't in fact, the most flattering thing in my pregnancy wardrobe. Thanks mom.

Anyhoo, I went to three different swimsuit stores and after sweating my balls off wrestling in and out of a boat load of suits, I found one that doesn't hurt my feelings.

I ate an ice cream sandwich.
I booked a mani /pedi for Saturday.

This weekend has been an oasis of relaxation. After a seaside breakfast with my husband, I was pampered at the spa. Then, we spent the afternoon poking in the shops and I bought a couple more sleepers for the baby.
The hubster made comfort food and we played travel Scrabble in bed.

Today...

Today I went swimming.

In a swim suit.

It was lovely.

The pink sweater
23 weeks and a few days

feeling better, and silly too

2008-02-17T11:17:00.006-08:00

An update. After last weeks cramping and tightening, we were feeling a little tense and nervous around here. I stayed in bed from Thursday through Saturday and started moving about on Sunday. Things seemed okay, but of course I was hypersensitive about every twinge. I had lots of time to read trashy magazine and phone every single one of my girlfriends with babies to discuss my symptoms. On Monday, I returned to work. I have been trying to take it easy. Easier said that done when you have attention/ hyperactivity issues and you're the Drama teacher mid production of the school's play.

I have been slacking off as much as possible. I've been yelling directions from the seat of my "rolley" chair and after work I've been trying to hit the couch as soon as possible. I have had some mild tightening in my Ute..but I would say that it is most probably Braxton Hicks. I did have a major headache on Tuesday and on Thursday and on Friday, I had unexplained bouts of crying. However, I think that these are pretty standard, minor and unrelated pregnancy complaints.

I think I am cured now.
I bribed the baby to stay put until at least May.
I even ventured out for a couple of short, non-srrenuous walks with the hubster this weekend.

Plus, we went shopping. Because, we all know the cure all for every woman's complaint. SPENDORPHINS!

It seems, and I am pleased and proud to announce, that I am finally ready to start gathering things for the baby.The amount of time I have been spending lingering and touching things in baby departments has been steadily increasing over the last few weeks and we've finally hit the point where we feel confident and comfortable bringing tiny consumer goods up to the cash register and in to our home.

Perhaps we are nesting? Fuck, I even washed the walls behind the chopping block and mopped the Kitchen floor this morining. I don't think I've ever seen, never mind washed, that wall before. Yikes!

As I was saying, The hubster and I went shopping this weekend. We splurged on an Ergo Baby Carrier. Because we are completely green in the parenting department, we decided it would be safest for our future love-child if we tested it on the fur-babies first.
Mabel went First:

Stanley went Second:

They freakin' loved it! Yes, we are strange and damaged goods... but how cute are those dogs!

We also bought 3 baby t-shirts and 3 blankets. Useful? Perhaps.
I admit I am lost in the baby wardrobe department. I don't know the difference between a onsie, a sleeper, a night gown, a grow bag.... I get so overwhelmed. What do we need? I don't want to have a naked shivering baby. But seriously, each of my baby books has different lingo and different outfit essentials!

Help!

My body continues to amaze me. It is growing and deep within my belly all sorts of amazing feats are taking place. I absolutely adore feeling my baby move. It absolutely blows my mind every time!

Thank you body. Thank you baby.

21 weeks, 5 days

An emotional week

2008-02-09T15:23:00.000-08:00

I am in my 21st week and officially past the half way mark.
This, however, has been a very emotional week for us.

The good emotions:

The baby moves all the time

The baby's most energetic movements can now be felt on the out side of my tummy by both me and the Hubster.

The baby's crazy-ass movements can be seen by the untrained eye.

The sentimental pregnant lady emotions:

I perused a second hand shop while waiting for the Hubster to get off work and I accidentally purchased something for my unborn child. It's the first thing I've bought for the baby and it felt so weird.

It was like the first time I looked at maternity pants. The, am I just dreaming here folks? feeling.

Anyhow, the sleeper is tiny, orange and super soft. It has a bunny on it. It is not super trendy, fashionable or funky. It is not the type of status, consumer item that one would lust after and feel guilty for craving.

Baby Jammies
Plain, simple, pure

It's used, it was three dollars and I balled my freakin' eyes out when I returned to the car with it secured tightly in my tiny fist.

When I picked my husband up a few minutes later, I started balling again.
He asked me what was wrong and I answered , absolutely nothing is wrong while holding up the sleeper.

He drove home.

I've been sleeping with the baby jammies ever since.

The slightly scary emotions:

On Thursday my uterus was a tight little ball when I woke up. It felt like a fraction of it's, now usual, size. And I had cramps. And a sore back.

I went to work thinking perhaps I had just walked too fast the night before (because walking is super hard-not)and hoped things would settle. They didn't really. We're not talking serious pain here, but when I went up the stairs things would tighten and when I sat I felt a little like I had menstrual cramps.

After chatting with a few ladies in the staff room, I decided to call my midwife. When she returned my call, she reviewed my symptoms and told me to go home and get in bed. And stay there. Friday too.

What scared me most was something about...not a viable pregnancy at this stage...go home and rest, drink water, take calcium and see what happens.... What happens? Aren't we just talking about a Charlie Horse of the Uterus here?
Yikes?

Enter a lot of reading, calling friends who've had babies and an honest amount of worrying. I think I kept relatively sane because the cramping was my only offending symptom and it seemed to calm quite a bit as soon as I lay down.

Today I am allowed to move about the house but I can' t go out. I've done the dishes and, after I found the broom that my Hubster hid on me, I swept the floors. I went on our Saturday morning outing about town with Hubster via cell phone and that was fun. The highlight was helping him navigate a used baby gear swap over the airways. He bought a Bumbo chair - because they're cool. And we'll need it...in like, a year. I put the kibosh on winnie the pooh sheets.

It didn't take long for the aisles and aisles of baby stuff to make us woozie. We both got a little overwhelmed and our mission for great deals and cool gear was abandoned. There will be other deals.

Tomorrow, I can add more activity. No intercourse. Perhaps some chores? Yeah right!

Monday, if all is well, I can go to work. I don't feel crampy any more but every once and in a while everything inside me tightens.
I guess we'll just see what happens....
I am willing to do anything for this baby.
If that means dropping everything and laying in bed until June, I'll do it.
It would suck. And my husband would probably go crazy -but I'll do it.

I've been talking to my belly non stop (remember I've been in bed for a few days) and I've made a deal with the baby...

S/he can't come out until the little orange sleeper will fit.
Seems like a good deal to me.

Here's hoping...

Glowing

2008-01-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

Here is my pride and joy!
My baby is doing the plough! Or perhaps he/she is mid somersault.
Either way I am in love.

The Ultrasound Technician said our baby is very photogenic. He said he enjoyed photographing our little one. He was probably just sweet talking me so I wouldn't pee on the examination table. Darn three glasses of water and no peeing for 2 hours. But boy was it worth it!

We also had our appointment with our midwife today. All is well.
All my bits and the baby's bits are the appropriate size, in the proper locations, doing what they're supposed to be doing.

Sigh.

It's amazing.
I've been smiling all day.

Square Bum, Big Pants

2008-01-27T17:51:00.000-08:00

Belly Shot-18 weeks 6 days

So.
Funny thing. This morning I asked the hubby to take a few belly shots for my blog. I then requested that he take a rear view shot.

Whoa! Halt! Say What?
Let me explain.

The Hubs, being the type of man who likes to avoid conflict and keep me happy, always answers "No." to the question, "Do I look fat?" and, "Yes!" to the question, "Am I beautiful?"

Love him.

Well, yesterday I had the type of day where I felt both fat and ugly.
Lucky man.
The fatness, totally justifiable and for a lovely reason...but still, vanity is vanity.
The ugliness do to an unfortunately timed decision to grow my hair out. So yes, I am almost 20lbs bigger than my usual self (with 20 or more to go, I am sure) with the Nasty Grow Out Do.

Aside: I'm asking my midwife about hair colour at Tuesday's visit. Along with more pertinent, motherly, less shallow questions and observations of course.

I am no longer sporting my sassy, Natalie Portman style pixie cut. Yet, I am not quite at my comfortable, old stand by Sienna Miller Bob. Which doesn't really matter because at all because what I am lusting after is long, busty, Hollywood hair. Vanity again here folks. But also a little humor, because a mane like that is a pipe dream for a fine haired lady such as myself.

Of course today, I feel fine.
I am not pouting or sulking. Plus, I know in the eyes of others, I probably look like a cute-ish, round, short little pregnant mama. I feel proud of my new growing and blossoming shape. I am amazed that I am growing a baby. I am excited to take on my new womanly/earth Goddessy roll as mother.
For the record, I am still not happy about the hair though.
I shall not cut it. I shall not cut it. I shall not cut it.

Lets talk about one more little area of vanity and pride. Just for fun.
Okay, humour me.

My behind.
For those of you who know me- I am sorry for the information overload. You may want to skip this part. Or, you may want to read it and have a fun little snigger behind my back. Behind my backside, my behind, my behemoth butt!

You may or may not be aware that my bottom has always been one of my most favourite lady parts. The Hubster's too. There I've said it. I like my bum. I was never blessed with titties and much of my own unique feminine mystique has been rooted in my booty. Sure my family liked to tease me for it's roundness. My dad affectionately, if not slight bizarrely, referred to it as my "Jennifer Lope-ass."

Anyhoo...I was proud of the sucker.

Pregnancy, however, had it's own plans for my posterior. It seems now that my figure is one straight line from pits to upper thighs. It is not a pretty picture.

So you can imagine then, why my husband, when asked to shoot a picture of my booty (for my Kata), quivered and hesitated. He stammered, "What? Why? A rear shot? You've never asked for that before...Are you sure?" I could tell by the fear in his eyes that he didn't want to be implicated in any rational or irrational reaction, that would most certainly be directed towards him, when I reviewed the picture.

Yikes.

Long story short. I can live with it - for now - but it's so odd to see the body that you've been used to having since puberty.. go all weird.
I know. I know.
I ain't seen nothing yet.

In case you were worried about the fate of my precious man... he's fine.
He'll be gliding by on the Gold Stars he earned shaving the back of my upper thighs for at least another week.
What is it with pregnancy and freaky hair growth?
But that's an altogether different story...

crazy carpet/crazy lady

2008-01-20T17:00:00.000-08:00

So, I was just wondering....
When you're approximately 18 weeks pregnant,
and your snow pants are rigged up in a creative-type fashion...

Is it wrong or dangerous to be doing this?

It was super fun at the time...
but afterwards I felt guilty and paranoid. The snow was super soft and I only spilled, head over heels, off my carpet a couple of times...

I swear it didn't hurt.
Ohhh, I hope I didn't hurt the baby.

I didn't think sledding was a good idea at first. We were just going for a walk in the mountains to enjoy the first beautiful day (read: not raining) in months. But then on the way down the hill the Hubster whipped out those little, blue, plastic devils and I snatched one up without even giving my little Creature Within a second thought.

Please tell me I am not ALREADY the world's most reckless momma!

To end on a slightly less paranoid note, I did get lots of fresh air and exercise today. And look at that view!

Also, I am pretty sure I got several little "boots to the Ute" while enjoying my, post healthy activity, burger and chips (Hubster-made of course)

17 weeks

2008-01-15T17:56:00.001-08:00

This is me without my head.
Which, oddly enough, is how I feel a lot of the time.

I forget my keys, wallet and purse. I forget how to spell, speak and walk.
I forget how to put pants on standing up.

However, I am fully embracing this new found forget fullness and it is most certainly entertaining my students and coworkers. All things in the pregnancy department seem to be swimming along quite nicely and I really have no new exciting news at this point.

Except that at 16 weeks....my wedding dress most certainly did NOT fit.

Trying it on was fun though. Pictures of that silly event will be posted shortly.
As soon as I can figure out how to crop my bed head and pink bandanna out!

My main worries in the last while have been:

a) Am I really pregnant? Or am I just crazy and fat?

b) Money.

But I try not to perseverate.

I continue to have a hunch that the babmbino in my belly is a boy. Mostly because no lady-like fetus would demand that I continuously scarf down as much food as I do. Also because I had my first baby dream...we were at the ultrasound and in behind two little hands, we spied one little penis.Our real ultrasound is on the 29th so I'll be sure to peak around those parts and let you know what I come up with.

Of course I'd be delighted no matter what comes out!
As long as it stays in there until it's,
I mean he/she,
good and ready.

15 weeks 3 days

2008-01-04T14:57:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I hope Santa was good to you all!

Our Christmas, 'tour de relatives' was hectic but good. It started on the Island at my folks' place. My mom and dad spoiled us will love, food and a new cozy quilt. Next, we were off to Vancouver to see the Hubster's parents, who came up from Atlanta, and his family. We were spoiled with sappy old home videos (of my Hubby when he was a baby- I've already watched them three times), pregnancy books and precious items that they used when their kids were small. There was even an announcement that they do indeed plan to move back to BC in the next 6 months. Exciting, but I don't want to get my hopes up on that one.

All in all it was good times. And, every where we went, I was always excused to have my bath (A totally new phenomena/obsession that started a few weeks ago) and go to bed at 7:30pm.

We even spent a few days in Whistler- back to my family again- and I was able to spend some quality time with some girl friends up there. While the Hubs went skiing, my pregnant friend Andrea and I ate warm soup, walked in the snow, shopped and gossiped about our 'symptoms'. My Friend Gabi got us two preggies matching, beautiful coffee table books on the whole process of conception to birth. I love the sappiness.

As far as my pregnancy is concerned all seems to be going well. I am starting to look and feel a little more pregnant. Some days I still feel like a faker.Like I willed myself into gaining weight and skipping periods. Like it's a dream. Or my fantastic imagination. Can this really be happening to me? Is there really someone growing inside me? And if so, What's it doing in there?

My only two , very minor, troubles are sleeping and low back ache. Both are very common and totally okay with me. I got a sausage shaped pillow that helps with the sleeping and baths and PREGNANCY MASSAGE (I don't know why I haven't had a massage in the last three years) seem to soothe my back quite nicely.

Yesterday we went to see our midwife. She confirmed that my hot baths are okay and that my Husband's fear of me 'cooking the baby' can be calmed. We also signed the papers to say "no" to the various genetic tests and sent in paper work to get our next ultrasound lined up (exciting). My blood pressure, urine, uterus height and weight gain are all normal and we finally got to hear a good, strong, heart beat at the clinic!

Man, do I love that sound!

We also heard a couple of little kicks at the same time- which was really cool. My midwife thinks that all of the little movements I've been feeling over the last couple of weeks really are the baby. I wasn't totally sure. I've felt twinges as early as 10 weeks but since Christmas Eve I've been pretty certain. The movements are most noticeable when I am sitting in the car or on a couch and they feel like gentle little kicks or punches...or perhaps a fabulous tap dancing routine!

Dance baby dance!

Belly Shots

2007-12-23T17:02:00.000-08:00

I am puting these photos here until I can figure out how I can post decent looking photos in the sidebar.
Please let me know if you have any low tech tricks for this.
As promised, here is my belly:

5 WEEKS

7 WEEKS

9 or 11 WEEKS... I forget.

13 WEEKS, 6 DAYS

the most beautiful song

2007-12-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

December 19th was our three year anniversary.
December 19th was also the day we heard one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard.

We heard our baby's heartbeat. It was magical. There may even have been some sappiness involved.

The story about how we came to hear this glorious sound is the best:
On Wednesday, I went to get my hair trimmed. Did I mention I am growing my hair out just a smidge? Yes, I know,I know, we'll see. And because my lovely hair mistress is pregnant too, the conversation was focused comfortably around subjects concerning all things round in the belly.

I mentioned to her that I was quite sick, with a stomach bug, last week. I mentioned that because of this I was feeling a little nervous about my critter.
My worry about the well being of my baby was a little exaggerated by the facts that I hadn't yet heard his/her heartbeat and my next midwives appointment isn't until January 4th.

She said. "Do you want to borrow my Doppler?"

What the?!
She has her own Doppler! Was I in heaven or what? Of course I wanted to borrow her Doppler! I jumped at the opportunity, lunged at it...with saliva dripping from the corners of my hungry, pregnant, mouth. Did I mention I love her?

So, long story short....We returned the magical machine this morning, but in the last few days we've listened to mine, the Hubster's and the baby's heart.

We even considered slathering the wiener dogs in K-Y and having a little listen. We decided against it, however, because we felt it would be rude to return the pricey little unit covered in sausage fur.

We did have fun though.

I felt completely at ease after hearing my baby's little life motor. Bonded even. I also enjoyed watching the reactions of my visiting in-laws and my friend Chanti upon hearing that strong little love purr.

Bliss. Sweet Bliss.

Up coming pregnancy highlights include:

1. Showing of the bump (read: my newly acquired tummy fat) to extended family and friends over the holidays. Also, eating to support the growth of said bump.

2. Midwives appointment in early January. I think this will be the appointment where we discuss/decline offers of genetic testing. Perhaps plans may be made for our next ultrasound...or it may be too soon.

3. Pregnancy Massage in early January-my low back has been hurting a wee bit.

4. Hopefully, the baby's movements will become more obvious and definite ... Even though I swear I felt movement since the 9th week.

5. Having 2 weeks off of work. And, being able to return to work completely "out of the closet" about my condition.

6. Buying at least one more pair of maternity pants so that I can have 2 pairs that fit instead of just one.

7. Figuring out how to post pictures in the freakin' side bar (without them looking warped) so I can share with you all the joy, beauty and silliness of my growing booty...oops, I mean belly.

Up coming life highlights include:

CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas everyone! Catch you on the flip side. Next post 2008.
Unless I can tear myself away from the turkey and the trifle for a festive little post or two.

And,for all of my TTC buddies!
I put special little wishes in to Santa for you all. He assured me that is perfectly okay for you to get, oops... I mean, be... just the littlest bit naughty this season.
Wink. Wink.

Here's Hoping...

barfing for all the wrong reasons

2007-12-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday night I got really sick.

It started out at around 8pm as a big bloated, gassy belly and cramps. The
Hubster called the midwife at around 11:30pm (the cramps made us nervous) and she assured us that what I was experiencing was probably not baby related. But still, I was in pain and was stressing out just a titch. Shortly after midnight, the violent attacks of vomiting and diarrhea commenced and lasted well into the wee hours. We went to the Hospital at around 5 am.

I wanted to rule out anything crazy and dangerous, like appendicitis. They gave me fluids via IV and some Gravol because being dehydrated and preggers is not a great mix. I slept there for a few hours and they checked in on me. The Hubster was by my side the whole time. It turns out to be just a regular tummy bug that will run it's course in the next few days.

I am feeling quite a bit better today but I decided to stay home again because I have a HUGE headache and I am feeling quite faint. I am trying to eat and drink as much as I can but my tummy is still pretty gurgely.

I don't want to be nervous but I wish I knew that my precious cargo was doing okay in there...

Other tidbits of information:

1. Don't eat beets when you are newly pregnant and paranoid. The pinkish pee and accompanying pinkish toilet paper just aren't worth it. Nobody needs 24 hours of mini-heart attacks with every trip to the tinkler on account of them...no matter how yummy they seemed at the time.

2. Trimesters, weeks and complex math equations! What's with all the different and conflicting ways of measuring how far along one is? I'm going by what my midwife says because it bumps me into the safety zone. I'm twelve and a half weeks and by her calculations that puts me into my second trimester. Woot! I'll feel a lot more confident once I hear my baby's heart beat though. My next appointment is January 4th.

3. I might have told everyone at work that I'm pregnant. Ooops. It's just that a few people guessed already and it seemed like a fun thing to do at the time.

4. My weight gain seems to have eased up a bit -might be due to my tummy bug/vomiting thing- but I am still planning on purchasing some loose fitting pants this weekend.

5. It's our anniversary on the 19th and to celebrate we're going to have dinner at our restaurant and stay in a hotel this weekend! Oh la la! Maybe just maybe the Hubs will get lucky and get some sexy time....

At this point though, I'm not making any promises.

Eating, Snowing and Growing

2007-12-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

First of all it's snowing! It's snowing lots and lots. So much in fact that I don't have to go to work tomorrow! Woot!

This little three day weekend sent from heaven inspired a little 'round the town ski festival. My friend Chanti and I cruised around on our skis, getting our chores done and making people smile. What fun! A treat like this only comes by once a year around these parts.

Secondly, I have only known hunger this extreme at one other time in my life.
It was May of 2001 and my best friend and I decided to cycle our bikes from here to San Fransisco, California. That trip involved riding for six to eight hours a day for 3 weeks. It required a constant intake of food. Even in the middle of the night, our tummies demanded that we wake up and rummage through our bike bags for what ever food items we could score.

So far, same with pregnancy.

Only thing is, I'm certainly not riding my bike 100s of kilometers a day. So I figure I am growing a pig baby inside of me. A food devouring belly monster. A foodie. Potatoes, milk, bananas, toast, yogurt, manadarines - bring it on. I can eat you all. Junk food. Health food. Comfort food - I'm not choosy. It requires a constant and concentrated effort to tame my growling tummy.

In fact, I must put this post on hold to get something to nosh on right now.

Okay better.

Apart from the hunger, life seems mostly the same.
My poops are a little slower (probably because I've got so much to digest) and my sleep is a little more disrupted (because I have to get up and eat) but I don't have any major complaints or worries.

I am trying to stay active.
I think, however, that I may have gone on my last jog last week. It's just getting a little dark and a little icy. Plus I am getting a little paranoid AND my ass is getting a little heavy. When I run it seriously bounces so hard that it hurts! Yikes! I'm not even out of my first trimester yet. This could get nasty.

Maybe I should post ass updates instead of belly shots like most preggie bloggers do.

My abdomen is growing too though. It's exciting. It's like something is really happening in there.

Something real.

Something hungry.

decoys and details

2007-11-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

Okay.
It's time for the real details. At least the essentials- All I can fit into one, monster sized, post!

I think I am finally in a place where I feel comfortable saying all of this out loud.

Plus, I think I'm gonna get a beat-down from some of my bloggin' buddies if I don't publish the facts right quick.

Let's start at the beginning shall we?

September. It was a lovely month. Hubby and I both went back to to work. We were very busy. Also, I was in a play,which included rehearsals almost every day and required me to go out for nightly gin and tonics with my fellow cast members.

The baby making plans, schedules and paraphernalia went out the window.All told, we had sex a whopping 3 times that cycle. We decided that come next flow, we'd try the almighty Clomid. Although I wasn't happy about it, I was ready to give it a try. We joked about how funny it would be if this would be the month I got knocked up.

Thanksgiving came and went and when I popped a button on the second week of our play's run, I chalked it up to my many helpings of Hubby's sausage and chantrelle stuffing.

On October 14th, we went to an adoption clinic. We were very inspired by what we learned and decided if Clomid didn't work we would start looking into the process more seriously in January. We were a little frightened by the cost and how we would manage and we were saddened by the potential 3 year wait. That didn't stop us from daydreaming about a child. Or taking a million adoption books out of the library.

On the morning of October 15th,as I was getting ready for work, a pee-stick gave me the evil eye from it's position high on the bathroom shelf. I figured, let's just pee on that sucker so we can chuck it out. Let's just get rid of that nasty little article for good. It never crossed my mind that it could be my turn for a positive result.

It was cycle day 29.

I peed. I continued with my morning routine. When I looked down, I saw what I have never, ever seen before in my life: 2 FREAKING PINK LINES! 2 FREAKING PINK LINES FOR ME!

My voice shaking, I called hubby into the bathroom and said "Baby? What do you think of this? What does this mean?"

While scratching his head in a daze, he replied "Huh... Hummm. Huh?"

We promptly hopped in the car and headed to the grocery store. The stock boy pulled back the plexi-glass barrier (the one that protects the pee-sticks until the pharmacist gets to work at 8 am) for me and I snatched up a couple. We headed over to Starbucks where I peed on another stick. This time there was a blue plus sign. Huh.

The next morning... another blue plus sign. And that afternoon, a trip to the doctor's office, and some more pee,offered up the official confirmation. Pregnant.

It's all been bullshit decoy posts, reading baby books and neurotically checking the toilet paper since then. Of course, I was dying to blog right away, but with so many real life friends reading along, I felt that 4 weeks was a little early to be sharing the news.

At 8 weeks we went for an early ultrasound. We were nervous. We were prepared for anything. We saw what a litre of water can do to a tiny bladder. And we saw a heartbeat. A magical heart beat. Beating inside of a tiny Lima bean, or polliwog...depending on the angle. We were thrilled.

I'll be 10 weeks on Tuesday.

Slowly...I am starting to allow myself to become attached to this person inside me.

Dreaming...that this could be it, this can happen for us.

Wondering ...what life will be like as a family.

Growing... so much- that already- I do not fit into my pants!

Ha!

I'm not complaining.
I swear I am not. I was,however, secretly hoping that the Titty Fairy would visit me before the Fat Ass fairy did.

I'm pregnant.

It's bizarre.

It's surreal.

It's awesome.

~ Now that the flood gates are open...I am remembering thousands of little everyday things that I wanted to share with you all...I honestly hope, that in the weeks, and months to come there will be many more wonderful details for us to share with each other. Yes. I am a little on the sappy side tonight!

pssst...I've got gossip.

2007-11-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like a great secret to keep you going.
I, being the type of girl I am, usually get quite overwhelmed by secrets.
Flustered even.

Sometimes...I spill the beans.

I've got a great secret.
I've been keeping a tight lip for quite sometime now.
But it's really quite tasty -it'd be so fun to share.

It's a secret with lots of juicy background details.
It's a secret that I've imagined blogging about in a zillion different creative and fantastical ways. It makes my mind spin, my imagination soar and my words race...

My fingers can't even type at a speed that does this secret justice.

My secret is about me.

It's about me.
Me.
Me and you.

It's about you.
It's about you and your tiny little heart beating inside of me.

It's about dreams.
Dreams of you.

Of all of us...
together at last.

Shhhh....

crazy quilter

2007-11-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

I can finally put a photo of my little Dino Quilt on my blog.
I made it for my friend Kata and her new baby boy. They recently moved to Scotland and I miss them so. They just received the quilt in the mail, so I am not spoiling the surprise. Apparently passersby have already given them complements on it's wonderfulness.

Little do they know, how it is crafted in the traditional lisalou, puckers are beautiful, style: don't measure, don't iron, put you pedal to the metal and don't ask any questions...

Any hoo...Stanley had his way with it before I sent it on it's way.

flow

2007-10-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

The flow of life around here has been swift to say the least.
I feel like I haven't seen the Hubster in at least a decade.
But, things are good.

Of course, we went to the adoption seminar last Sunday. It wasn't so much informative, as it was just a feel good session. There were a couple of Grandpaesque social workers, a few Baby-wanters and a two families that had adopted: one from China, one domestically.

Of course the families were adorable and the social workers succeed at putting everyone at ease. They talked about the "home-study" process and all it entails. And,that's about it.

There was no representative from the actual adoption agency there to answer any of my, two million, questions. I thought about getting frustrated or disappointed but decided it would be nicer just to enjoy staring at the cute kids and listing to the adoption stories.

So, are we ready to adopt?

I think the short answer is: Not yet.

We left feeling very excited. We went out for breakfast and poured over our pamphlets and books....Unfortunately, the fact is that adoption is VERY expensive. For us, this would require some very creative financial solutions.
Also, there is the issue of unpredictability and time.
Adoption requires waiting.
Waiting for years.
And years...

Something we've gotten quite good at by now.

So, we've decided to give it a little more thought (and time) before diving into the paper work. Perhaps in January.

Besides, we haven't exhausted our own baby making plans yet and we're eager to give them our best shot...

Here's hoping...

Bad Blogger

2007-10-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

If anyone deserves a good smack it's me.

Have I been ignoring my blog or what?

Actually, to be totally honest, I've been ignoring a lot of things lately. Including reality.
Har Har.

Unfortunately, my blog has suffered with the flutter and frenzy of my fall agenda. Can we say, pumpkin sized dust bunnies anyone?

Seriously though, all is well at Casa de Sausage Dog. The Hubsters's Thanksgiving feast went of with out a hitch. Fourteen people where satiated and satisfied with his chefspertize. Did I mention he makes stuffing with fresh local sausages and wild chantrelles?
Yup. I married a good one.

You'll be pleased to note, that in addition to my work and moonlighting in community theatre, I have been keeping up with my responsibilities as a Baby Maker.

Sort of.

Well, I haven't exactly charted, taken my temperature or got my blood tested this month. Nor have I stood on my head, used my silivia microscope or tried any new magic potions or lotions. We did, however, do it precisely three times, on three -of what I feel were most certainly-supremely fertile days.

We'll see.

I'm not exactly kidding myself over here... that this could be the magic month or anything. Although it would be hilarious if it was, circumstance would have it that I've had more than one post-ovulatory gin and tonic this cycle.
Good Times.

It's not that I've given up with goals of having a baby. I just wanted my life back. Two years is a long ass time to watch your step. Especially when there is NO incentive, No positive reinforcement, what-so-ever.

Two events to look forward to in the coming days and weeks are:

1) My period. Seriously. Next cycle is "The One". We've decided to try Clomid -a very low dose for 3 month tops - and next cycle is when it all goes down. Should be interesting. I'll keep you posted.

2) This Sunday is our adoption information clinic. We are very excited! So excited in fact, that we almost skipped item 1) completely. If it weren't for the rumored 3 year wait and $30 000 price tag, I am actually in the head space now where I could have said "NOPE" to Clomid altogether.

Weird how things change.

In other news, in the last few months there have been several new pregnancy announcements and 5 babies born. 2 girls. 3 boys. All cute. All healthy. All to very good people. It is a very special time.

I will not state names -because I haven't asked your permission but you all know who you are... I am very proud of you.

As for me...
I'll enjoy my quiet house for just a little bit longer.
I'll sit by the fire, under the baby quilt I made for myself all those autumns ago, drinking my hot chocolate.
I'll allow myself to dream of the day that I, too... will be somebodies mother.

Here's Hoping...

No baby for you today

2007-09-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

I am bleeding.
No baby for me this month.

I am waiting one more month...Then I may fill my prescription for Clomid. I have no idea why I feel so creeped out by it. So hesitant.
I guess I'm just an odd one.

We did, however, make an appointment to go to an adoption seminar on October 14th. A little nervous. Quite excited. Phoning to reserve our spot was a big step. It reminded me off when we attended out first infertility workshop with our acupuncturist/ TCM doctor.

Sigh. Such fond memories.

Sunday is our 2 year anniversary of trying to conceive. Sometimes I think. "Hey, that's not that long at all!" Other days, I'm like, "What the? Where's my freakin' baby already?"

In summation, of this very random post, I would like to conclude that:

a) I am rediculously tired right now.
b) The next few months are sure to offer a little intrigue in the continuing saga of the "How is Lisa Going to Get Her Baby?" story.

and finally,

c) Wouldn't it be funny if we adopted a boat load of kids and then get knocked up with quints at fifty?

I wouldn't put it past this crazy world.

Sheesh.

K,Bed time now.

party pooper

2007-09-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

The truth is, I know I'm not pregnant.
The truth is, I am no longer fooled by my luscious breasts, jiggly thighs or bloated belly.
The truth is that I have not predicted my potential due date this time around.
The truth is, that this time around...
I've given up.

It's true.
I am a party pooper. I've got my typical right-before-my-period headache and I've been eating junk food like it's going out of style.

Strangely, when I say "I've given up"...I don't feel the least bit negative or sad. Nor, am I sneakily hoping that "giving up" is just the ticket in my getting knocked up.

I'm just tired.
Or bored.
And perhaps, just the littlest bit sad.
I am bored of being all about infertility. I am tired of getting let down. I am sad that this whole process keeps repeating in a dull and useless sort of way.

I am an instant gratification gal.
So after two unfruitful years in the sack with my albeit gorgeous husband, baby making is beginning to lose it's appeal.

I honestly don't have much left. Does that sound wrong? How people stick at this for decades is beyond me. I feel so empty and used.
I feel, so un-sexy, so un-fertile.

As I read this, I am realizing that it sounds quite depressing. But I am not sad so much as I am spent. I need something to happen. I need it to be good. I just want to be me again. I don't want to be -The Girl Who Can't Get Pregnant. I don't want us to be- The Couple Who Would Make Such Great Parents.

I want us to BE parents.

So, I am openly admitting it, that on more than one occasion... my late night surfing sessions have landed -not on infertility blogs or websites- but on those related to adoption.

It's almost time.
I can almost feel the universe waiting for me to switch gears.

Tempting me.

Some nights I can almost sense it
An energy, a child, a family
filling the emptiness of the night sky
a soft hum in our quiet home

Giggling
Sleepy
Refusing to brush teeth
Ready to be tucked in

All of our imaginings coming to life
Bringing us love

The joy we've been waiting for
A family we are

Blog Worthy

2007-09-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the dry spell folks.

It's not that I don't lead an incredibly fabulous and glamorous life...
It's just that, on the baby making front, it's been kind of snoozeville around here.

Of course, we are currently in the midst of The Golden Zone of Baby Making and our bed is dutifully a buzz with the sounds of marital bliss. Also, my temperature chart is looking on the up and up. However, any signs of this month's ovulation have sadly been eclipsed by the fact that I've had "tummy trouble", which is the polite term for "obnoxious intestinal distress" ,for the past four days. Too much information, I know, but...What the hell? Four days? Give me a break already. I am so bored with going to the bathroom -it's not even funny.

What is funny, is that for some reason, last night at my friend Chanti's back yard wienie roast, I figured that 3 gin and tonics (and a shot of tequila- hey, I'm not pregnant) would cure me of my ailments.
Not so much.

Speaking of good times. All this "girls gone wild" type behavior is about to come to an end.

Fall is here, and in my profession fall symbolizes many things....tequila shooters, for some strange reason, isn't one of them...

As far as the baby making goes,
I'll keep you posted.

Here's hoping.

what I am not doing...

2007-08-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, here are two things I am not doing this month:

1. Filling my prescription for Clomid

2. Using my hippie store progesterone cream

Here's why: Clomid. Simple, it scares the shit outta me.
What if it hurts? What if it makes me crazy or sick? What if it works? What if it doesn't? Clomid is most probably the end of the road for us on our quest for a baby of our combined genetic make up. I'm not sure if I am prepared to face it's potential failure. I am not ready to look in the mirror and face my own failure as a woman. I still have to believe that I am capable of producing healthy, fat, stinky offspring. I have to hang on to that dream. If only for a few more months...

Progesterone cream.
Further research unveiled these sneaky side effects: breast tenderness, irritability, depression, mood swings, fatigue, increased hunger, increased urination and weight gain. Thanks for the mind-fuck, hippie cream! I've experienced all these tricky symptoms this month and was beside my self with anticipation and joy. I never mentioned my speedy 3lb weight gain because I didn't want you to suspect I am hideously vain. I'm talking 3lbs in only two weeks here folks! Insane. I just hope it's all water- okay, I'm a little vain.

I guess I can throw the cream in the bottom of my closet o' treasures with my other fertility shwag. It can make friends with my fertility microscope (remember that one!)

I'll stick to what I'm good at this month. I'll stick to what I know.

Humpin' my Hubby...

Oh yeah, and hoping...

and so I bleed...

2007-08-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

my uterus is a time bomb

ticking
ticking

my heart swells with hope
yet, it will go off again

dreams explode
body bloody, swollen and torn
emotions red and raw
sadness sets in

I bleed to rebuild
to renew

my uterus

ticking
ticking

time

Day 26 = time warp

2007-08-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

My visit with the Dr. went pretty much as I'd imagined it.
Which is good.

It was nice to touch base, get reassurance, and discuss my baby making options. We both presented our concerns and ideas and now we're on the same page.

First of all, I showed him my progesterone cream. He didn't seem too excited. I didn't exactly get in trouble but he said he couldn't recommend it and that if he was concerned about my progesterone levels he'd give me a pill to stick in my hoo hoo. I suppose that makes sense, I mean, the cream is from the health food store.

However, I mentioned that I'd already used it this cycle and perhaps that was why my progesterone levels were up- we didn't pursue that avenue of discussion. He said he couldn't recommend me mixing [therapies] ,as a good doctor should, I suppose. I think I'm still in favour of the cream. It's non-invasive, cheap and doesn't appear to be unsafe. Let me know if you've heard otherwise, 'kay?

Next, because it's been almost two full years since the quest for a family began, and various other efforts have been explored... he recommended I get larascopy. I asked for the details. Basically, it's a full blown ordeal where a camera is inserted by my belly button and my uterus, tubes, ovaries, etc...are checked out and dealt with accordingly. I said I wasn't really into being anaesthetised and/or surgerized.

I suggested an ultrasound as a friend recently had one and it wasn't scary. Apparently, an ultrasound wouldn't cut it for the info we need from my bits.
Despite my intense yearning for a family, I still was not interested. He offered me the option of going strait to Victoria to see the full-on ART doctor instead.

I explained that the Hubster and I had discussed the lengths that we'd be willing to go to have our own child. At this point, IUI and IVF aren't on the table. It just doesn't feel like us. I said I'd be willing to try Clomid, as previously discussed, for a limited time. I joked that we certainly weren't going back to condoms any time soon ( until I turn at least 50 ) but in the meantime we could visualize adoption as a way to start ( or complete) our family.

So!

Since I don't want IVF, IUI, etc... the surgery isn't really necessary at this point (or ever, I hope) because even if there is some major nastiness in there causing my infertility ,I am still not planning on going that route.

Never say Never.
But, like I say, I am just not feeling it.

I left the office feeling informed and listened too. I left with a prescription for Clomid, that I may or may not start next cycle. I am not entirely positive I am ready. I don't want to mess too much with my body. I guess we'll see how I feel when the blood starts to flow.

My hopes for this cycle are still high.
I am excited about this "62" and am secretly hoping that my cream could have magical baby producing qualities to it!

I'd be lying to you all if I didn't tell you that I peed on a stick when I got home from my appointment. It was negative. For now, I hope.

I know it's only day 26. But it feels like day 76. Plus, I was so excited and emotional at my decisiveness and giddy with the possibility that I could be pregnant already and none of this would matter...

Here's Hoping...

PMS, or ???

2007-08-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

Today is cycle day 25.

And, as usual my hopes are high, soaring free, over this mystical land called the 2 week wait.

And, as usual, I have a list of potential symptoms that could indicated I am either,

a) pregnant

or,

b)a normal 31 year old woman.

Because I am currently:

-bloated
-sleepy
-hungry
-irritable

Also, I am currently experiencing imagined booby growth and hyper sensitive pee pee awareness.

Anyhoo, I have my specialist appointment tomorrow to see what's next in my quest for a drooler. I am interested in what he may or may not suggest as the next course of action. You see, I have been applying the, health food store bought, progesterone cream and my day 21 blood test revealed a sexy progesterone level of 62!

I'm not sure if the cream and the number are related but my previous, non-cream, levels have hovered around the 32 level. 62 is a lot higher!

I guess only time will tell what's in store for me... but you can imagine how high my hopes are flying.

No harm in letting them soar for just a few more days...

2 week wait?

2007-08-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

My temperature went up to 36.60 today which is a little more post ovulationish than it has been since my initial temperature dip... so I am hoping that I ovulated. I hope I am 2 week waiting for a reason.

I went to Reesh's baby shower last night. It was fun. I anticipated feeling sad (because the room was full of preggies) but I didn't. It was a lovely evening of snacking and gossiping. We did a belly cast of the gorgeous momma- to- be and the entire vibe was very feminine, zen-like, and peaceful.

The hostess even read our Taro cards and mine predicted positive things were happening at a cellular level in my being. They spoke of me being fiery and charismatic.They spoke of my becoming woman,this transitional stage of my life and the alignment of my menses. They spoke of a universal energy that was far bigger than me that was going to travel through me.

Whew, give you the shiveries, doesn't it?

All in all, it was a delightful little soiree and I left with a sense of excitement for all of our futures and I felt very anxious to meet Reesh's new baby. I started getting the feeling that there is a boy in there waiting to come out...but I guess we'll have to just wait and see.

On a more unjust note, please go visit Loren at Baby Wait... She's in need of some lovin'... I know babies are in our future, Loren.
They just have to be.

Here's hoping...

Because you asked...

2007-08-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

The wild yam, "hippie lube" as I call it, is lovely.
Slippery. Non-sticky. Pleasant earthy fragrance.
I am not sure if it has any fertility properties but I seem to remember reading somewhere, sometime... that yam does ,in fact, boost ones fertility.
That's the problem, I am the type of person that researches (read:obsesses) and reads about topics that interest me... so you can imagine how much reading I've done on the topic of trying to get knocked up. It's hard to keep all the facts straight.

The dancing hula girl at the bottom of my page indicates that I am currently at day 17 of my cycle.
Here is my most fascinating update:

- I think I ovulated 2 days ago. Okay, Okay before we all get rowdy about it, I must clarify that although I did see a fair bit of our beloved EWCM, I haven't seen a big rise in temperature. Yet. The last 3 days have been .05 of a degree or so higher that the temperatures before the dip so I guess that's better than nothing.

-I' ll get my blood taken on the 21st day of my cycle to see for sure what's going on.

-My appointment with my specialist happens on Friday the 17th. There we will be discussing the Clomid option. The way I figure it is, Metformin has had a good run. I would prefer not to take drugs, obviously, but from what I've read: Met, if it's going to do the trick, usually works within 3 to 6 months. I've been on it for 8 cycles. And, although I love that my skinny jeans fit...I'd prefer it if they didn't-if you know what I mean.

Other than that, there's good news all around us. Positive pee sticks have been celebrated by both Sara and Loren. Reesh is expecting her second baby any moment now.

Thanks to all my new commenters for keeping the vibe supportive and positive.

Here's Hoping...

Reality Check

2007-08-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

So, all of the infertility bloggers that I've been reading regularly for the past year and a half are now pregnant.

Some have even had their babies.

I guess this should be viewed as a good omen as it signifies that in good time most of us will become pregnant. As I approach the two year trying to conceive mark,however, I am finding increasingly difficult to stay positive about all things round in the belly.

I know some people try for a decade or more. Technically, I could still be in early days yet. I just don't think I have that kind of endurance.
I don't have that much hope.

I ever whined to you all about how freakin' hard this is?
Oh yeah.
Right.
I have.
Numerous times.
Sorry.

Some days I find myself imagining a charmed life without kids just to try and stay sane. Sure...we'll travel, have the highest educations, perhaps our house will be spotless (yeah, right) and miraculously I'll become a super athlete with an almost model-like presence.

Argh! Don't even get me started on my real live friends. They are all knocked up. Many are starting on baby number two, and if you can believe it, most of those second babies are unplanned. Unplanned! Number two!

I am excited that there will be a ton of new babies to play with around in the next few months and I am grateful to glean as much info as I can from all the new mommas ...but when will it be my turn already!

Well, two things are certain:

1. A whole lot of hope hangs on my EWCM, progesterone cream and wild yam, hippie store, lube this month.

and

2. I am going to have to go out there in to that great World Wide web and make some new friends!

Look out ttcers- I am getting ready to pounce.

Happy/Sad

2007-08-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

Another beautiful trip to the west coast.
We were treated to very nice weather as far as Tofino is concerned. It only rained two of the five days we were there. The sun, however, as you can see from these photos, did make quite a spectacular appearance.

We surfed, read and ate. We went to all of our favourite spots, snuggled the dogs and enjoyed the gorgeous view from our "honeymoon suite". The nicest site in all of Green Point Campground in The Pacific Rim National Park. The Hubster had the brilliant idea of bringing our air mattress so we even slept soundly, under the spell of the waves' magical lullaby, for five glorious nights.

All was not quite so rosy. This time, the trip to the west coast did not have its cure all, magically effect on me. I was in, call me a spoiled bitch, a bit of a funk for the first few days of our adventure. You see, I was suffering through the dregs of my period and that combined with the hormones, the baby lust, the full moon and the cheerful carrying on of families on summer vacation...left me a bit of a blue mood. The pouting was mostly contained to one particular morning, the one after a full day of tent confinement (due to the rain). Poor Hubster. Thankfully, after a few beach changes, snacks, water, riding a few waves and a whole lot of being handled like a precious baby bird - I snapped out of it.
Thank goodness.

And, no those wiener dogs aren't on the table.
Whatever do you mean?
What kind of establishment do you think we're running here?
Okay. Okay. They are, but only because we're dorks and we thought it would be a funny picture.

In other news: After scaring away a baby bear from our campsite on Sunday, our brave little, 10lb, fur baby was rewarded by having her ovaries and uterus out today. Nice.

It made me very sad. I felt like I was doing her a huge disservice.
No babies for Mabel.
The only fertile female in our family ...
When she returned home today she was groggy and confused. It was scary and depressing. She is still so sleepy but insists on wagging her tail when I sing her name.
I am glad she doesn't hate me.

My own baby making trials and tribulations are seriously bumming me out. I am waiting for ovulation. I expect, I hope, if it is going to happen this month it will happen in the next week or so. Luckily, we returned from our shower- free, non-romantic interlude inducing, vacation just in time for our 23rd attempt at the golden zone of baby making.

Also, because this is the final month before the possibility of Clomid, I am going to try progesterone cream.

I can barely stand the excitement.

Here's hoping...

Hit me baby one more time.

2007-07-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

Here we go again.

Cycle day one. I needn't even explain how I feel. I haven't hit the tears yet...those will be coming on later today, I am sure.
Right now, my attitude can almost be summed up with the common, and most eloquent, phrase, "Fuck it".

Seriously folks, at this point...It's almost like, why bother?

Man oh man. Hormones. Do they ever suck.

Moving on, has anyone out there ever used progesterone cream to aid in their ttc efforts? If so, what's the deal?

At this point, I am looking for anything positive that could help me out.

Cycle day 29 and holding

2007-07-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

Long time no post!
Fear not, I haven't abandoned my blog, the Hubster and I were just in the big city of Vancouver for a week. We were studying French at the University of British Columbia.

Yes, we are huge dorks!

We are very glad to get back to our humble little house in our picturesque island town. The city has some awesome aspects to it but overall I find it to be a little overstimulating and very exhausting.

And, of course we missed our Fur Babies.
They stayed with the grandparents while we were away and lets just say, that after being carried and hand fed Camembert... they are doing alright.

So, my cycle.
There hasn't been too much of an indication either way of what is likely to happen in the next few days.
I found out that my progesterone level this month was 32, which indicates another possible ovulation. Woot!
On the other hand, I have had the tell tale signs of my period such as low self-esteem, moodiness and dull headaches. On Thursday, my temperature dropped from 36.70 down to 36.40 and I thought for sure that I was in for some fun on Friday. However, my Temperature rose back up to the 36.60 range on Friday and has stayed highish today.

Of course I got my hopes up and peed on a stick.
Yes, I know it's too early.
Yes, obviously, only one line appeared.

I am not particularly hopeful at this point, nor am I desperate or negative.
I guess I'm just kind of hanging out.