layers- not the post I intended to write.

My dear friend kgirl has set my mind to thinking yet again. Thinking about personas. About the layers we have... our personality types, character traits, quirks, faults, passions and inspirations. About who we are in our lives as women, lovers, friends. About who we are at home, at work and who we are on the world wide web vs who we are in the whole wide world.

Of course, as it always does these days, my mind came full circle back to motherhood. How all of our layers-all of the spirit, baggage, detritus, guts, love and light that make up who we are- affect how we mother. After all, the role of Mom is probably the main character, never mind character trait, that many of us will play in our life times.

So am I playing the role of mom how I thought I would? Am I giving a convincing performance? In my role of mom will I be a good role model?

There are such a variety of parenting styles out there. Each with enough research, praise and shit talk backing it all to drive a thinking woman mad. Of course, in our rational moments, us moms know that it's all about balance and what works for our child is what's right for us. But there's always the guilt, the what if wonderings and the late night surreptitious forays onto the Internet. What are other moms saying? doing? What does Dr. Google think? Should I think that way too?

Ultimately over the years we will become seasoned and this very special layer of who we are will become shiny and confident.

As I grow and learn, I will cherish each experience, heartache, mistake and milestone... as my mom layer blossoms.

I will watch what I thought I would do or think...
give way to the reality that is my life as a mom.
and a dancer. a writer. a teacher. lover. friend.
a foul mouthed trucker wanna be. an inspired, soul searching dreamer.
cotton underpants wearing. flannel enthusiast.
sensual, emotional being.
irrational. rebellious. cautious.
thoughtful, thankful. tired
experience.
energy.

and on and on...

Layers upon beautiful layers of who I have been, who I am and who I will become...

Now that I am Ruby's Mom.

I am one of those people now...

I just need to share some pictures of my 10 month old baby girl...

Why do we love lists?

As kgirl says "Lately, on blogs/facebook/twitter (really, what’s the difference anymore?), there’s been a lot of chatter regarding people’s Bucket List, and their antithesis, the much more entertaining, F*ck It List."

Inspired by the joys, including being barfed upon, of motherhood... She's named it the Upchuck It List.

It is a list of unique experiences, never before thought possible, until one is blessed with motherhood.


Lisalou's Upchuck It List

Fifteen things I never thought I would do until I became a mother:

1. Enjoy baby poop. Especially the satisfying sound a well formed turd makes as it splashes merrily in to the bowl.

2. Run to examine, praise and admire said poop, even when it is not my turn to change the diaper.

3. Long for the quiet hours of nap time. Not so that I may sleep, nobody said I was a clever woman, but so that I may sit next to and stare at the miracle that is my beautiful, healthy baby.

4. Get upset when I realize it's gotten later than say, 8:30pm and I am not in bed yet and/or cry over the irony that I can't sleep when the baby is sleeping.

5. Consider 6 am sleeping in and 4 hours of sleep (total, not in a row) not only doable- but a blessing.

6. Woop for joy when I get my period.

7. Chose playing with my baby girl over just about any other activity.

8. Wear running shoes just about everyday -even when not running.

9. Have two basic uniforms- comfy and clean (for public) /comfy and barfed on (for the rest of the time) Thus, realizing how vain I actually am for longing to wear, and look foxy, in my old clothes. (almost there- but frick it's taking for ever)

10. Neglect the fur babies. Except when I need them to lick up some remotely edible mess. Disgusting but true.

11. Feel that I deserve luxurious treats like lattes, perfume, yoga classes, chocolate, or special attention for doing the same job that every other mother in the world does and has done for ever. Because I am the princess. Or at least I was...

12. Feel shame and guilt for this and a million other real and imagined reasons. Like when I have little patience with my tiny person, when I think about going back to work next year and she is in childcare, when I am out with her in a stroller and I think she really just wants to be free to play (or vice verca), when I spend money, when I worry (Is she tired? Hungry? In pain? Should I have hidden Easter Eggs? Do I swear too much?Is this normal? Is that? ), when I obsess, when I feel selfish, when I want time alone, when I want time with my Husband.

13. Finally understand the bliss that comes with having a 'cold one' at the end of a long day. Specifically: a gin and tonic.

14. Try to take photos and video footage of every minute moment in her babyhood so that I may capture the preciousness of it all. (This from a girl who didn't even bring a camera on her own honeymoon).

15. And most of all, revel in the fact that my entire perspective on reality shifted.

I now know the greatest happiness of all.

Nothing else matters.

Just this. This family.

This love.

Ruby.