Once again, I've been influenced by my creative gal kgirl.
Her hilariously honest (if only a little exaggerated) Fatboobs story has me wanting to get a little something off my chest.
Well my belly. And my thighs...
Okay, my hips too.
I feel a little vain, a little shy, a little sheepish and a tad selfish dishing this out to you girls... but I know if anybody out there can take it- you can.
Here it is: I want my body back.
Don't get me wrong, I am not super blue. My body is for the most part healthy and, for the recreational user, comfortably fit. But on days like today, mere seconds away from menstruation, my tricky hormones allow a superficial weakness to wash over me...bringing with them a blue wave of self-consciousness. All of my physically linked self-esteem falters. And, to top it off - I end up feeling guilty and silly for spending time obsessing on these negative thoughts at all.
Those of you that know me, real life or blog buddies, know that I love me my baby girl. It took me ages and ages to conceive. Once pregnant, I enjoyed a relatively low stress pregnancy. One little bout of bed rest and a fair bit of swelling. What did I care? I was pregnant! Little did I know, I inherited my mom's genetic predisposition to gain a fair bit of poundage during my stay in preggy land. Just shy of 60 pounds worth to be exact.
Whoa Nelly! What did she just say?
That's right! You heard me. And for those of you snickering or thinking I must have pigged out - Stuff you! I did not. Of course I ate a few extra potatoes and craved a steak or two. But I didn't have a party with crap. I wasn't lying on the couch with spray cheese, ding dongs and pudding. I was swimming before work and doing prenatal yoga after. I was glowing. I was round. I was slow. I was happy.
Now, 14 months later, I am learning that the old adage nine months up nine months doesn't exactly apply to all of us -I am slowly accepting the fact that I will probably never be as buff as I was before Ruby. However, in the last year, apart from nurturing a enigmatic little being, I have been working on my self.
Physically.
Mentally.
I have tried to avoid obsessing about sugar, and carbs and workouts and tried to focus on nurturing my self worth. I've attended dance classes and drama workshops, volunteered, secured a fantastic job for the fall, and have become a practicing Bellyfit instructor. All of these things have helped me keep a positive mind/body balance.
Helped me celebrate the fact that I am a mom.
A woman. A thinker. A doer.
Maybe my size four jeans don't fit. Maybe they never will. But my sixes might. And, in the mean time, these eights aren't so bad...
Snap!
Last night I was shocked back to reality. All the confidence I had gained by losing almost 50 of the 60 pounds I gained during my pregnancy was lost when an insensitive party goer asked if I was expecting baby number two?
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Seriously!? This was a brutal but more understandable comment back when I had the one week postpartum, 6 months pregnant looking, belly... but now?
BUT NOW?
Seriously? Do I still look pregnant? Is my husband lying? Is my best friend lying? Are my deepest most shallowest nightmares true? Is the muffin top, that my husband swears is just "a petite muffin" really a freaking Monster Top? A hideous and pendulous flap, fooling people into thinking I am perpetually pregnant?
Seriously? Should I just hide in my cupboard eating cardboard and newspaper until this blows over. Until I emerge emaciated and fabulous like a starving sunken starlet momma?
Yeah right!
My husband assured me that this woman, this offending creature, really was not very clever...but still.
The last time she saw me, 15 years ago, I was a shrubby little vegan, lesbian wanna be with green hair and a nose ring...but still.
but still....
but still...
My feelings were hurt.
My feelings were hurt.
My feelings were hurt.
And I didn't eat dessert.
sad
silly
true.
8 comments:
I know most women hate me for being pretty much all back together after 3 kids and the youngest 4 months, but I really didn't do anything special to get here. Some bodies are just different I guess. I am not saying this to rub it in, I'm simply telling you this because I myself feel embarrassed sometimes and feel like I have no right to be commenting about after pregnancy weight loss problems. But I can honestly say that you look beautiful, healthy and happy. It seems to me that you are doing everything right with regards to your diet and you exercise far more than I do, so damn those genes, I think you got ripped off a little. I cannot believe that someone asked you if you were pregnant, I honestly don't think you look pregnant at all!! Far from in fact. And nobody doubts your love for Ruby just because you wish the pregnancy weight to be gone already - you are a fabulous Mumma and are totally within your right to vent about your body - it's your after all, not Ruby's anymore!
Everyone is so unique as to how long it takes the body to get back - genes definitely play a big role as does exercise and diet.
Sounds like you have a full and fullfilling life - I haven't seen you in a year now - but I really understand how you are venting about wanting your old body back. I was still about 10 lbs away from my prebirth weight until Jonas was around 18 months at which time he started daycare 3 X a week he did not breastfeed as much. Then I was down to 5 lbs away and he was about 28 months and I night weaned him and I lost a couple more pounds. I guess what I am trying to point out is that for some people, while they breastfeed, they still hold onto a layer of chunk. Jonas was always a big and vigorous breastfeeder until I began night weaning. Then I lost weight everywhere. So, Ruby is still young and I am guessing you still breastfeed from your previous posts. Maybe you will lose your last few pounds later on.
Now I am 9 weeks pregnant and have weaned Jonas to just a bedtime nursing and I am back to my original prepregnant weight. I didn't try, it just happened. But within the months to come I will get all round again.
Regardless, you are beautiful and there is more to a personality than a size 2 jean!
Take care - I hope this gave you yet another persepective about the weight loss after baby is born.....
F her and the horse she rode in on!!!! I never lost the last 10 lbs when I had my daughter almost 9 years ago and I think I look better now than I did then.
I like your policy to be kind to yourself, eat healthy (you can treat yourself sometimes) and enjoy an active lifestyle.
What I don't like is how sometimes people insert a foot when they open their mouth.
As long as you're doing everything right, and it sounds like you are, the weight will come off.
Keep it in perspective - it's really been ONLY 14 months. I don't think that you're doomed to be 10 lbs heavier than pre-pregnancy forever just because your mom is either, just that with your crappy-in-this-area-only- genetic-"luck", it may take a bit longer.
Sometimes people ask about a 2nd without necessarily meaning that you look pregnant. My stomach is flat and I've had the question!! It could be that you're just extra-sensitive about your body. Then again, that the person could just be an asshole;)
For sure, dude. Yeah, fuck her, but also fuck the whole, you're beautiful, blah, blah, blah... you and me are the same - we know what once was. We can be practical about it, and our husbands can still find us sexy, but it sure as hell takes some time to come to grips with the fact that the body we have now is not the body we had just a short time ago. And that sucks donkey balls.
Lisa! Fuck this individual, is all. In the eye. Because you? Look HOT. And there is simply no two ways about it. Your body may be different than before, but in my books, you got the good genes. Size 8 is a dream. A total dream. In my skinniest of times, I shreik if I fit into a single digit size, so, yeah, 8? You kind of suck, to me.
Last summer Kendra and I bumped into someone she knew at the farmers market. Kendra was 8 months pregnant. I was not pregnant. This moron asked us if we were due at the same time. Um, what now? Before this comment, I was thinking that she seemed really cool- why hadn't I met her before? Our kids were the same age, and playing nicely. Maybe she could come to a playdate sometime. After that comment? I just hated her, straight up. I was polite and everything- she must have felt like a complete tool- but inside, oh the hate. And yeah, I had to call everyone I trust, and ask them, because I know I carry weight in my tummy but TELL ME I DON'T LOOK 8 MONTHS PREGNANT. TELL ME NOW. And I got over it.
But oh, my, god: some people are morons. MORONS. And one more time, just for good measure: you are a total babe.
Christa, I love you! And for good measure, you are a total babe too!
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