First.
Something positive.
I loved reading all of your comments on the, should I? Should I not? pee on a stick debate. Just for the record though, I was kidding. Even though I was quite desperate, I wasn't actually planning on dropping my drawers in my tent. Could you imagine? Trying to catch a stream in a little, metal camping cup while the hormonal antics of 75 (not 60 as previously reported) sugar- buzzed teens rampaged the wilderness like a pack of ravenous wilder beasts.
Not a very serene setting to take in your very first BFP.
It doesn't matter anyhow.
I hate to harsh your mellow or anything but it's all gone to shit again this month. I got my period this morning. Not even 12 freakin' hours after returning form my wilderness expedition with the youth of today.
Fuck.
You'd think that if anyone would have earned the brownie badge for pre-approved motherhood it would have been me. Did I mention there were 75 of them?
So basically, I didn't even get a chance to enjoy the experience of my pee stick fix. To add insult to injury, I've had nasty cramps all day and I spied 8 pregnant ladies at the farmers market this morning. I can't even give you a rough estimate on the number of babies we saw...it's just ridiculous! I can tell you that when a 1 year old in pig tales and a hand knitted hoodie looked over her dad's shoulder to make little woofing noises at my dog, I started balling my eyes out.
WHY? Why does it have to hurt so bad?
So yes.
There has been a few tears today.
The hubster made a small joke between whimpers, that maybe if I pushed hard enough a baby would come out. Although I laughed at his joke and told him what he'd be likely to get if we tried his technique, I can't help but feel so defeated. So cheated.
I just feel like we are missing out this one...this one thing that we want so bad.
Like life has decided. I am sorry you two. You have got so much: Love. Each other. That scone-stealing fur baby. Families that love you. Friends. A nice community. Food. Shelter. Jobs. A few of life's little luxuries.
That's it. That's all you get you greedy little brats. Tough titties kids. The party is over. Now put your big girl panties on a deal with it!
Heck No!
I am not ready to face the possibility of that harsh reality. The possibility that we may never have kids.
A shadow moves over my heart and tears come to my eyes every time I dare think about it. To say that the thought breaks my heart would be an understatement. Even as I write this, a dark and nasty heaviness saunters in and makes itself comfortable on my chest. It makes me nauseous.
When will this nightmare end?
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Are we there yet?
The pee sticks are calling to me.
When can I pee on another one? Is tomorrow too soon?
I know you're supposed to pee on the first day of your missed period...but when one has a unique and original cycle, like I do, who knows when day one actually occurs?
Arrgh!
I am going bananas!
I haven't had any pregnancy or period signs in the last few days. Which leaves me in a bit of tizzle. However, I am heading off for a few days of camping with 60 or so 14 year olds, so I guess that pretty much seals the deal on getting my period. Because life likes to play funny jokes like that.
Arrgh!
Do you think I should pee on a stick in my tent under the rustic glow of a double A powered lamp?
You would wouldn't you.
I do agree that such a spectacular urinary event would make a most excellent post, but I am not sure that I'm up for that challenge.
I'll update all y'all when I get back from the wild.
Here's hoping!
When can I pee on another one? Is tomorrow too soon?
I know you're supposed to pee on the first day of your missed period...but when one has a unique and original cycle, like I do, who knows when day one actually occurs?
Arrgh!
I am going bananas!
I haven't had any pregnancy or period signs in the last few days. Which leaves me in a bit of tizzle. However, I am heading off for a few days of camping with 60 or so 14 year olds, so I guess that pretty much seals the deal on getting my period. Because life likes to play funny jokes like that.
Arrgh!
Do you think I should pee on a stick in my tent under the rustic glow of a double A powered lamp?
You would wouldn't you.
I do agree that such a spectacular urinary event would make a most excellent post, but I am not sure that I'm up for that challenge.
I'll update all y'all when I get back from the wild.
Here's hoping!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Premature peeing should be avoided
So.
I peed on a stick this morning.
Negative.
But what was I hoping for this early in my cycle? I don't know?
A miracle perhaps.
I know. I know. It's only day 25 but I've just been getting my hopes up so high this cycle. Plus, my waking temperatures have been quite a bit higher than normal. Am I sick? Is it warm in the house? Maybe I'm pregnant!
My oh my, will it ever be a long nasty fall when, and if, my flow decides its presence is needed around here in a week or so...
Because I am micro-sensitive (OK, obsessive) about possible pregnancy symptoms I have noticed and would like to add to my list the following bodily functions:
- a dull headache for the past 4 or 5 days (could be allergies?)
- a major migraine with all the trimmings. yesterday. not fun
-hungry and thirsty
-rumbling belly syndrome. Gas? With out farts? Maybe.
-still sleepy
Still hoping!
I peed on a stick this morning.
Negative.
But what was I hoping for this early in my cycle? I don't know?
A miracle perhaps.
I know. I know. It's only day 25 but I've just been getting my hopes up so high this cycle. Plus, my waking temperatures have been quite a bit higher than normal. Am I sick? Is it warm in the house? Maybe I'm pregnant!
My oh my, will it ever be a long nasty fall when, and if, my flow decides its presence is needed around here in a week or so...
Because I am micro-sensitive (OK, obsessive) about possible pregnancy symptoms I have noticed and would like to add to my list the following bodily functions:
- a dull headache for the past 4 or 5 days (could be allergies?)
- a major migraine with all the trimmings. yesterday. not fun
-hungry and thirsty
-rumbling belly syndrome. Gas? With out farts? Maybe.
-still sleepy
Still hoping!
Friday, May 18, 2007
News Flash
It's been a busy week!
So busy, that I've just spent my Friday evening catching up on all of my favourite blogs. Sounds quite dorky I know, but to be honest that's about all I can handle I am so wiped. I seriously considered going to sleep at 6pm tonight.
So.
On Wednesday, I had my day 21 progesterone test and on Thursday I called my regular doctor for the results. I called her because she knows and obviously cares about my quest. She cares so much in fact, that when my husband went to see her this week, sans moi, for a non-fertility related issue she still wanted to know all about our progress. She even pulled up all of my recent test results on her screen and had a little review with him. That makes me happy.
Anyhow, my official number (still not sure of the unit of measurement, anyone?) was 35. Last month it was 37 on day 28. My self diagnosis is: I ovulated again!
I congratulated myself accordingly and am keeping my fingers crossed.
I test again on day 28. I think progesterone builds after you ovulate, so we'll see.
Now whether or not we're pregnant this month or not is a different story. We did make sure to have plenty of sexy time. It even went into over time after I was scolded by Kata . She lovingly told me that if I didn't do it every other day until the day I get my period she could not take my efforts seriously. Was I honestly trying if I didn't have sex a gabillion times this month!? Of course she can say stuff like that to me because it's said in a funny way, and she's cute, and we've known each other since 1986.
Now that I know that I ovulated earlier this week, I can give my tired, little, girl parts a rest without feeling too guilty.
Possible pregnancy signs that if been imaging/experiencing over the past few days:
-fatigue
-extra clity- litter, phrase stolen from kgirl circa 1994
- a heightened, 2 drink level of sappiness for the last three days
- slightly higher than normal waking temperatures
- umm.... well, that's it.
But it's still only a few days past ovulation. Perhaps one of these fine days when my anxious little hubby tweaks my nipples and mischievously asks, "Are they sensitive? Are they tender?" I'll be able to say, "Yes, yes they are!" Instead of, "Fuck Off! What do you think? You brat!"
In other baby news...
We've got a lead on a wiener!
I called the lady we got our dear Stanley from and she said that my timing is impeccable. It turns out that she's thinking about clearing out some of her 23 mini wire-haired dachshunds. She's got a half dozen or so she's willing to part with. They're mostly pretty little girlies and they're all under two.
Our little family is a buzz. Just think, our little furbaby is going to have a sibling. How are we going to choose just one? Stanley might have to do the choosing.
Our Wiener Dealer returns from a dog show circuit in mid June. And you know we'll be hopping in the car for a road trip to sausage land the second she returns. And yes, My husband is a flutter! For those of you that know him, you know how worked up he can get when it comes to sweet sausage dog lovin'.
Imagine when we actually get knocked up with a human baby!
I'll have to get him a chew toy.
Here's hoping...
So busy, that I've just spent my Friday evening catching up on all of my favourite blogs. Sounds quite dorky I know, but to be honest that's about all I can handle I am so wiped. I seriously considered going to sleep at 6pm tonight.
So.
On Wednesday, I had my day 21 progesterone test and on Thursday I called my regular doctor for the results. I called her because she knows and obviously cares about my quest. She cares so much in fact, that when my husband went to see her this week, sans moi, for a non-fertility related issue she still wanted to know all about our progress. She even pulled up all of my recent test results on her screen and had a little review with him. That makes me happy.
Anyhow, my official number (still not sure of the unit of measurement, anyone?) was 35. Last month it was 37 on day 28. My self diagnosis is: I ovulated again!
I congratulated myself accordingly and am keeping my fingers crossed.
I test again on day 28. I think progesterone builds after you ovulate, so we'll see.
Now whether or not we're pregnant this month or not is a different story. We did make sure to have plenty of sexy time. It even went into over time after I was scolded by Kata . She lovingly told me that if I didn't do it every other day until the day I get my period she could not take my efforts seriously. Was I honestly trying if I didn't have sex a gabillion times this month!? Of course she can say stuff like that to me because it's said in a funny way, and she's cute, and we've known each other since 1986.
Now that I know that I ovulated earlier this week, I can give my tired, little, girl parts a rest without feeling too guilty.
Possible pregnancy signs that if been imaging/experiencing over the past few days:
-fatigue
-extra clity- litter, phrase stolen from kgirl circa 1994
- a heightened, 2 drink level of sappiness for the last three days
- slightly higher than normal waking temperatures
- umm.... well, that's it.
But it's still only a few days past ovulation. Perhaps one of these fine days when my anxious little hubby tweaks my nipples and mischievously asks, "Are they sensitive? Are they tender?" I'll be able to say, "Yes, yes they are!" Instead of, "Fuck Off! What do you think? You brat!"
In other baby news...
We've got a lead on a wiener!
I called the lady we got our dear Stanley from and she said that my timing is impeccable. It turns out that she's thinking about clearing out some of her 23 mini wire-haired dachshunds. She's got a half dozen or so she's willing to part with. They're mostly pretty little girlies and they're all under two.
Our little family is a buzz. Just think, our little furbaby is going to have a sibling. How are we going to choose just one? Stanley might have to do the choosing.
Our Wiener Dealer returns from a dog show circuit in mid June. And you know we'll be hopping in the car for a road trip to sausage land the second she returns. And yes, My husband is a flutter! For those of you that know him, you know how worked up he can get when it comes to sweet sausage dog lovin'.
Imagine when we actually get knocked up with a human baby!
I'll have to get him a chew toy.
Here's hoping...
Sunday, May 13, 2007
My momma and me
We had a great mini-break at Painter's Lodge. We gossiped,ate and swam in the surprisingly warm outdoor pool. We also took a little water taxi over to Quadra Island to check out the Spa at April point. Definitely doing that next time! All in all it was an awesome 24 hour bonding session.
The comedy in the situation was that I was treating my mom for mothers day,we talked non-stop about childhood and motherhood, and, of course, I want to be a mother. So the fact that every time I went to the washroom and was taunted by EWCM was a little more than ironic, n'est ce pas?
Basically, My slime was just giving me little friendly reminders, if you will, that I'd better hurry up and get my ass back home and do it in order to make that baby I want so badly.
Luckily, Saturday and Sunday were both fertile quality slime days too. Oh and if you want a little too much information on how my quest for ovulation is going this month...my research on today's bodily functions lead me to this link. Estrogen works in many ways I suppose...who knew?
I hope I've ovulated!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Another Mother's Day
Another mother's day is approaching...
I am bracing myself for a potential meltdown but I am currently doing well. At least this year my period isn't due. Last year, that skanky old rag showed up just minutes after I peed on a stick on mother's day morn... little did I know I'd still be holding down the ttc fort a year later.
Several pieces of good news:
1. I think I might be ovulating...as we speak. My temperature dipped this morning and I am experiencing a tad bit of mucus..it's a bit early for me but you never know. By the way, my saliva telescope thingy is a bit of a piece of crap...but we all saw that coming didn't we? Any hoo, I could be at my most fertile period right now! I should be upstairs trying to make a baby instead of down here playing ...gotta go do it... I just... gotta blog...must... a few more minutes...
2. Very important information here folks, I got a cute new hair do...just check out my meez to see how extremely different it is! It rocks. I love changing my hairstyle. Nothing like a mini-makeover to lift the spirits. Plus my hubby, who has never seen me with hair this short, still thinks I'm hot and is willing to do it with me tonight!
3. Also, in celebration of Mother's Day, I am taking my kick ass mom to a fancy hotel for dinner, pool side lounging, and late night gossiping. What fun! We're going tomorrow. All the more reason to get to the doin' it ASAP.
Gotta Go.
Here's Hoping...
I am bracing myself for a potential meltdown but I am currently doing well. At least this year my period isn't due. Last year, that skanky old rag showed up just minutes after I peed on a stick on mother's day morn... little did I know I'd still be holding down the ttc fort a year later.
Several pieces of good news:
1. I think I might be ovulating...as we speak. My temperature dipped this morning and I am experiencing a tad bit of mucus..it's a bit early for me but you never know. By the way, my saliva telescope thingy is a bit of a piece of crap...but we all saw that coming didn't we? Any hoo, I could be at my most fertile period right now! I should be upstairs trying to make a baby instead of down here playing ...gotta go do it... I just... gotta blog...must... a few more minutes...
2. Very important information here folks, I got a cute new hair do...just check out my meez to see how extremely different it is! It rocks. I love changing my hairstyle. Nothing like a mini-makeover to lift the spirits. Plus my hubby, who has never seen me with hair this short, still thinks I'm hot and is willing to do it with me tonight!
3. Also, in celebration of Mother's Day, I am taking my kick ass mom to a fancy hotel for dinner, pool side lounging, and late night gossiping. What fun! We're going tomorrow. All the more reason to get to the doin' it ASAP.
Gotta Go.
Here's Hoping...
Saturday, May 05, 2007
tag- I am it!
I've been tagged by Sara and I am so excited! My challenge is to write an I am poem, about me..... this should be fun. I'm not sure if there is a set format for an "I am" poem, so I hope I'm not breaking any blog poetess rules...
I am
I am expression
I am emotion
I am energy
I am life
I am wonder
I am short, loud, and sassy
I am inappropriate and silly
I am honest
I am friend
I am warmth
I am smiles
I am impatient and random
I am curious and inspired
I am art
I am love
I am light
I am dreams
I am hope
I would like to tag kgirl and kata to write their own I am poems....
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